I haven't posted in a while...

So sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been super busy, and in all honesty avoiding the computer at all cost simply because I don't really know what I want to do with school. I'm leaning towards psychology and possibly being a school counselor, or a counselor who works with special needs children, or a substance abuse counselor... yeah so many choices. It's quite obnoxious.

In the past three months... dad got a job about 2 hours from where I live, I quit my schooling for special education due to not wanting to deal with the politics of education over my students, I finally got a honeymoon with my husband to the Bahamas WOO, and I've continued my awesome therapy sessions.

I've been super worried that my dad won't keep this job because he already doesn't seem happy with it. I don't think he'll ever be happy wherever he goes. I discussed this with my therapist and we came to the conclusion that it comes from his PTSD. Let me backtrack a little bit; my dad was staying with my husband and me because he didn't have anywhere else to go. It was only for 2 weeks, but that was definitely long enough. My dad and I worked together applying him for jobs and getting him back on track. One night we went to Burger King and this lady who worked there was cleaning the tables. She dropped something and it made a really loud noise. My dad closed his eyes and cringed. "You ok?" I asked.  He opened his eyes and simply said "loud noises." We continued eating our meal then went home. I talked to him a little bit that night and I told him that I think he subconsciously screws things up for himself because he doesn't think he deserves it. I told him that he does deserve a good job and deserves to be happy. He said, "You're exactly right. I have to keep a job to prove to you that I can do good for myself, and I can do good for you." "Don't do it for me dad, do it for you, then you can worry about me."

So, back to how my therapist and I came to the conclusion of dad's major issues all coming from PTSD. I told him this story, and told him how dad seems to never be happy in one place. I told him I think it's the Army's fault because he was used to getting moved from the states to Afghanistan and Iraq. He was never stateside for more than 6 months, and when he was he was getting ready for another deployment. The deployments lasted 16 to 18 months, but you are always on the move when you're deployed. My therapist said that my dad is probably more comfortable on the move because that's what he got used to. Not to mention, whenever you feel safe over there, you are usually not, so once you start to feel cozy and warm, you start to freak out a little.

I have a friend who is in the Army. We talk a lot, and he has told me over and over again that he expects to die in the line of duty, and that if he doesn't, he will feel like he didn't amount to anything, and didn't accomplish his job. He also told me that he feels like a piece of shit when he's stateside. I asked him if he thinks the Army has brainwashed him to think that way, and he said no. I said..."you seriously don't think that the Army has made you alienate yourself away from people to be prepared to die? You really don't believe they changed your way of thinking?" he didn't respond.

Anyways, the point of this not very well put together blog entry, was to catch you up a little bit and kind of give you an understanding of what I've learned about my father and many other veterans in our country. There is a reason why each and every one of these veterans act the way they do. For the time they were in war, they had to survive, and they stay in that state of mind even after they get home and out of the war zones. If there was a way we could help these people that would be great, like maybe mandatory therapy, or something. But the military doesn't care enough to make them go. They think that their Soldiers, Marines, Airmen, Seamen, and every other serviceman can handle anything when a lot of them are just like you and me. Ok, end rant...

Mom's letter

Ok, so if you haven't cried from earlier post, go grab some tissues. I received this 6 page letter from my mom yesterday and I'm going to type it all out.

     "Hey baby girl! I know you aren't used to getting letters from me but between the journaling I started as my devotional back in June and the fact that a letter is the only way to communicate with your brother these days, I'm finding writing to be a good thing.
     My thoughts are with you today. Your dad and Ma would have gotten to your house last night and today you will all be together and preparing for tomorrow's big shin dig. I hope and pray that you have a wonderful time! Good luck remembering everyone! :)
     Now that my house is empty, except for crazy cats, I seem to have a lot of time for reflection. God has been strongly urging me to make sure those that I love know exactly where they stand in my life. I think that I'm beginning to heal! Sometimes it feels like I've just taken a final step out of a very dense fog. The fog was extremely debilitating and oppressive. Over the last...I don't know...probably 5 or 6 years I have been struggling to find my way through it. In the process I've let some of the people and things that are most important to me slip past. As much as I've wanted to be there for my friends, parents, and most importantly my children, I don't think I have succeeded. From this side of the fog I find myself living with the reality of the situation; You and Josh were and are living in that same oppressive fog. Oh baby girl, I'm so very sorry if I left you to find your way alone! I am so glad that you found your husband to anchor you during the storm of crap we found ourselves in. I'm grateful that you have a man who loves you and will stand beside you as support or in front of you as protection. You're a very lucky young lady! He's a pretty lucky man too!
    Now in case you haven't gotten the tissues you may want to at this time. Chances are that I'm going to start leaking so I'm pretty sure you will too.
    When I found out I was pregnant with you I was so excited! I may have only been 20, but I knew that I wanted to be a mom and wife more than anything in the world. You became the center of my world from that moment on! Pregnancy was not fun for me, I wasn't sick but I got REALLY fat and couldn't do a lot of the things I was use to doing. But as soon as you were born everything was perfect! You were so tiny and so helpless and so precious. I had no idea how much I could love another human being until God gave you to me and your dad. I never looked back. You became my focus and first thought in every decision I made from that moment on...even today I take into account how any action I take is going to affect you.
    Looking back it appears that it wasn't a one sided thing. You required me! Noone but your mom would do when it came time to eat (mostly because I was the one with the milk), or go to sleep (I had the hair to hold). It was exhausting at times but I never regretted it. Your dad was gone a lot. Field exercises and then war kept him away from us a lot. It was rough! But we made it through and your dad came home to us and we were a family again. Your dad and I almost split up back then, as you know. Families have growing pains. Adjustments have to be made and priorities have to be set. It's not easy! Of course, I got pregnant again! Even though things were a little strained with your dad I was excited about another baby. You were too when I found out I was pregnant. You were a handful at 2! You were defiant, into everything, and so adorable that I just wanted to squeeze you! Pregnancy made me tired and keeping up with you added to my exhaustion but it was okay and definitely worth it.
    By the time your brother was born you had become a tyrant! You fought sleep (as you always had), you pitched amazing fits that I had to ignore in order to take care of a new baby, but you still loved me and needed me. You were still my heart and priority. I had to split myself between you and your brother but God makes it so that love is added to a mom's heart when a baby is born so I still had all my love for you and all my love for your brother on top of it. I truly LOVED being a mom!
    As you grew up you were wonderful! You wanted to please your parents so much. You did everything to the best of your ability and made me a very proud mom and your dad a very proud dad. You never pushed us on anything, always staying within the boundaries set for you. When problems arose we discussed them with a minor amount of upheaval. You were and still are a daughter that anyone would dream of having! I did nothing more than love you with all of my heart and you were as close to perfect as a child could be! That may sound like a load of biased bull, but it isn't! You were and are an absolutely wonderful person!
    As high school started for you, Josh began to get into trouble. Knowing you to be the person you are and that I really didn't have to worry about your decision making my focus went to your brother and trying to figure out how to deal with some issues that were beyond anything I've ever dealt with. I left you to fend for yourself. I'm sorry. I did the best I could but I know I left you on your own and made demands on you at that time that were unfair.
     Little did I know, but my marriage was falling apart at this time too. My daughter was struggling with the pressures of high school and trying to find her way to becoming an adult, my son was having major problems with sex issues that I had no clue how to address and my husband had checked out leaving all of it in my lap.You got a job, doing your part to help out. You seldom complained to me about it but I'm sure you cried to your husband often. I can look back now and recognize the fragility of your emotions. You walked such a fine line between survival and complete breakdown. I know because I was walking my own tightrope.
    Good things came from that time. You and your brother and I became quite a unit. We were strong together. We were strong for each other. What I didn't know until later was how alone each of us felt.
    You graduated and got married and moved away within a very short period of time. I was scared for you. I worried that you were rushing things in order to separate yourself from the mess your family had become. I felt like such an utter failure. I had failed to be enough for my husband so he chose drugs. I had failed to be there for my daughter or make decisions that would protect her from the nastiness of addiction. I had failed to teach my son the importance of respecting himself and girls enough to have a relationship deeper than sexual desire with them. I had failed at the thing I had always considered my most important job...being a mom.
    Three years have passed. I have made many changes. It has been painfully difficult and exhausting but I know that as hard as it has been and as against every belief I've ever had it was to divorce your dad, I have done the right thing. You and your brother have been great during all the upheaval. You have loved me and supported me and understood what I was doing but more importantly why I was doing it. Thank you!
    I can't change the mistakes I've made over the years when it came to being your mom. I can tell you I did the best I could and that my love for you was just as strong when our world was falling apart as it was the first time I held you. I am very proud of the woman you are. In spite of the obstacles that life threw in your path you have all the qualities and abilities required to be a wonderful wife, fabulous mother and fantastic teacher. I know you are still dealing with things from our family issues. Knowing you are dealing with them shows once again what a strong person you are. Recognizing a problem is the easy part; taking care of it is where the difficulty lies.
    As I close (aren't you happy to hear the end is coming) I want you to know that I am happy! I actually had an old friend who hadn't seen me in a while tell me that I looked happy yesterday. It's a wonderful thing when the outside world recognizes the peace that is flowing through a person. I have that peace. Part of that is due to the knowledge that my baby girl is who she is, where she is, and with who she's with. You make me smile! Just the thought of you brings joy to my heart and I think about you often.
    Know that as this day goes on and turns into weeks, months and even years, you will always be a priority in my life. Yes, it is different from when you were a baby or even a teenager but it is still a fact. I've moved to another stage in my life where both of my children are self sufficient adults. It's a very different place! But It's a very good place!
    I love you! You are everything that a mother could ask for in a daughter and so much more! I'm awfully lucky to be able to say that you are mine!
                                                                           Love always!
                                                                                     Mom
P.S. Sorry so long, but I did have 22 years to cover! :)"


You know, I never thought of my mom as neglecting me, and I hate that she thinks she failed as a parent during that horrible time in our lives! I have no hard feelings toward her whatsoever! I will write more on this at another time. I felt like I needed to share this though.

Crack house

So, I just got off the phone with my mom and I could tell she felt down in the dumps just from the tone in her voice. I talked to her about me coming into town this weekend for my birthday, and how much fun I had with dad and Grandma at the family reunion, then I told her I might go and stay with dad in his new apartment for a day or so to help him move.

She said that he would probably really enjoy that, then she said "He'd probably enjoy hearing from you because I think I ruined his day." I asked her why and she said "I had this box full of wedding gifts, anniversary gifts, and jewelry that your dad had given me over the years like the diamond pendant he gave me when I turned 18, and my wedding band and stuff like that. I had asked your brother to grab those things before he left and he only grabbed a few of the things and the jewelry wasn't included. When I went over there the other week to sort through things and get what was mine, I noticed that all the jewelry was missing. I texted your dad to see if he had seen a little box by any chance. He calls me and says "what box?". I told him there was a little box filled with jewelry that he had given me over the years and that it was missing. He just said, "I'm so sorry Laura, I have no idea where it is.". I had a feeling he wasn't the one who took it, I just needed to ask him about it to make sure. I haven't had the heart to tell him what kind of shape the house was in when my father came in."

I asked her what she meant and she said "When my dad got the house signed over to him he automatically went to the house. There was a lady and a man there who had left the house in shambles. There were cigarette ashes all over the carpet, they had made the new cabinets in the bathroom I bought into an ash tray. There were melted candles in the carpet that these people had used for light because the electricity had been cut off. There was an expensive collectors gun missing, and a power washer from out in the back yard missing. These people had basically turned the house into a crack house. Your father only knew about the lady staying there, not the man, and he has no idea what kind of shape the house was left in. These people had no regard  for the house or your father at all, and I guess your dad thought of this lady as a friend."

I kind of want to call dad and bitch him out, but that would do no good. He honestly didn't know the people in the house were doing this. I just don't understand how he can trust a person so easily when he went through an addiction himself knowing that he would have done anything to get high again. I guess I just mostly want to tell him that I think he's a fucking idiot for letting anyone in the house that he met at a bar. He still doesn't know that I knew this bitch was in the house.

I feel so badly for my grandfather who now owns the house and has to clean it up in order to sell it. I hope when dad meets up with him this weekend to move the rest of the shit out, he apologizes profusely to him for ever being an idiot and putting him in this situation. Ugh! For my dad being so book smart, he sure is a fucking idiot. Ok, I think I'm done venting now...NOT!

Oblivious? HA! I wish.

Ok, so I'm kind of freaking out. I'm better since my therapist appointment earlier today, but I think I went from breakdown to mildly freaking out.

I'm pretty sure my dad is doing something. I'll start from the beginning so this makes sense. My mom calls me sometime last week and tells me that my brother had a very bad day, I asked why and she said "I can't discuss that right now but part of it is because your dad has a lady living in the house when he can't even pay for it. Your brother seems to think that this lady is on meth. She has acne on her face and is really skinny and just looks sickly." I was like "WHAT!" Why is dad letting this lady he met last week in a bar stay in the house? He doesn't even know this bitch! What kind of idiot is he? My brother is so freaked out by this lady that he wouldn't even go into the house without our cop friend present.

So I go down to my home town this weekend and dad says he'll come and hang out with me Friday night. I call him and he says that he fell asleep and isn't going to come out. He tells me to call him tomorrow. I call him the next day and the same thing happened. "Oh I fell asleep, I'll see you tomorrow." My brothers going away grill out was this past Sunday. Friends and family were there and it was awesome. Well, it was awesome besides the fact that dad showed up just in time to eat, eats, then leaves not even an hour later. He was preoccupied with everything other than his son. He was getting calls every two seconds! I finally said "dad, who the hell is calling you?" He got upset and basically told me fuck off, but I didn't care. He should have been there for his son, he should have been there to spend time with him and me. He's never been there for his children though, so why expect anything different now?

Money is missing, dad's avoiding me and my brother, dad's broken out around his face, dad's always tired... you tell me if somethings up. I know it's not crack because he's not cracked out, but I wouldn't be surprised if it were meth or something else.

My therapist and I came to the conclusion that I need to tell my dad that I know something is going on, and that I'm not oblivious. I need to get it off my chest and be done with it. I can suggest some treatment centers, but go no further than that. This is not my fucking problem. It will hurt to see my dad hurting, I will love and care for him, but this is his fucking battle, not mine! I will not let myself get stuck in this situation again. I just need to keep repeating that to myself over and over til it sticks. UGH!

Therapist

So I've had two sessions with my therapist, and I absolutely love it. This therapist can get everything out of me. I feel like I don't have to shut him out, and also feel like I am not being judged. I talked to him about everything. I apparently have some major issues with anxiety if I feel I can't control the situation. I also make things that aren't my problem my problem, which people have told me multiple times. I have to work on my "soft no" so I don't overwhelm myself by saying yes to too many things and don't feel bad for saying no.

I don't understand why I felt that I would get judged by this therapist, it was so stupid. I guess I was so used to people judging me without knowing me. "Oh, her dad is a crack head she's ganna end up like him." "Oh her dad is a crack head, she'll never come out of that situation sane, it's no wonder she's going to a therapist." Now, I could care less. I feel so much better since I've started going to therapy and I can't believe I wasn't going because I was scared of what they would think of me.

My best friend has been trying to get me to go to therapy for the longest time, and now I know why, she wants me to heal, she wants me to feel better about myself, and stand up for myself.

Something my therapist said that really made me feel good is that I am going to be awesome at the job I'm going to school for. I have a sensitivity that most people don't have and that will make me great with my students.

God I love therapy! I hope that anyone who has issues they need to work through, go through therapy, and virgin monoblogger, I don't wanna hear I told you so lol.

"I take everything he says with a grain of salt."

So my brother called me a few hours ago and said, "I need to talk to you." I was like, "ok", you know one of those "oh shit what did I do oks".

So he tells me that dad had come over to the house and apparently talked to mom a lot about multiple things including how he's still not making enough money to pay her and he's not going to make enough money to support my brother until he goes off to the Navy. 

Let me back up some. My dad recently just got back on his feet with a job and told my brother that he would pay him weekly to help him in the yard and house fixing it up for people to rent. So my brother puts his 2 weeks notice in at work and 2 weeks go by so he quits. He finds out that dad doesn't have the money to pay him so frantically calls his boss back who luckily gives him his job back.

So he calls me and says..."I can't believe that he wasn't going to tell me he couldn't pay me! He's such a fucking ass, why couldn't he tell me this? He was just going to keep giving me false hope! I had to hear from mom that he couldn't pay me, he couldn't even confront me about it! What the fuck man. I'm so pissed I'm crying!" I listened to his ranting and raving until he was done and calmed down a little bit and said "dad is prideful, and dad hates seeing disappointment in our eyes because he has disappointed us for the majority of our lives. He is horrible at confrontation and doesn't want to admit to his children that he has failed at something once again. He promises things with the intent of doing them, but they rarely happen. I can count on one hand how many of the 500,000 things he has promised me have actually happened. I hate to say this, but you have to take what he says with a grain of salt. Don't take this personally because he doesn't mean it that way. Just love him and know that he really does want to do the things he has promised, but they probably won't happen, even though he truly does want them to happen. You should have seen the look on his face when I told him I was going to therapy."That calmed him down even more, and got him to understand how dad thinks and feels a little more. He said he was going to start taking things with a grain of salt now and that he couldn't wait to go the fuck away and join the Navy so he could help mom and himself.

I hated that I had to make my brother realize this about dad. I was hoping that this day would never come. I was hoping he could always have dad as a superhero in his head. I was hoping that he could go through life trusting dad and not being numb towards him in any way. I hate that he is still getting hurt by him, and hope that this will change soon.

This made me realize that even though I feel fine towards my dad and I love him to death, that I will never trust him like I should be able to. He promised me that once I turned 18 he would get me a car, that didn't happen. He promised me that after I graduated high school he would take me on a cruise to Europe to see where I was born, that didn't happen. He promised me that he would start giving me money once a month, that didn't happen. He's broken so many plans, ditched me when he promised to stay and have fun, and done so many other things to the point that I can't take it personal anymore.

I am going to try to work through these trust issues, and these issues of being numb to "unkept" promises, but I don't think they will ever go away. I've learned to think with my head instead of my heart when it comes to my dad, and in turn probably towards a lot of other people unknowingly.

Enjoy life

Well, these past couple of days I've been running. And it is a HUGE stress reliever. I can only run like 3 blocks, but I walk the rest of the distance and the total distance is about two miles. After I run I feel alive! I feel stress free and I forget all my problems. I crank up my music on my iPod and enjoy the scenic route.

Why does nature and exercise make tons of people feel better? I don't know, but it sure does. One of my favorite things to do in the world is go to a cabin in the mountains and sit on the porch doing a crossword puzzle listening to the birds sing. The other favorite thing to do is sit on the beach and watch the tide come in. When I'm sitting on the porch or at the beach I feel closest to God. I can't believe that God was able to make this. I can't believe that God is bigger than that never ending ocean, I can't believe that God is taller than those mountains touching the sky.

I guess my point of writing this blog was to say... the little things are amazing proof of God too. Have you ever seen a tiny flower shoot up in a crack in the side walk? Have you ever seen a baby bird fall out of it's nest just to get back up again, try to fly, and succeed? Have you ever just woken up early to watch the sun rise? Have you ever watched the sun set and the moon rise? Have you ever seen a shooting star? I see all of these things just simply stepping outside, and also on my runs.

I'm not a very religious person, but I do know that God exist. He has helped me through way too much to not exist. He helped me get through my teenage years without a father figure in my life, he helped me move from different places and start a new life, he's helped me through my marriage, he's helped me through school. He's helped me through everything!

Next time you go outside, take a minute to notice the little things, take a minute to breath in life, and enjoy it.

Shy

You know, I'm not a very confrontational person. I'm very shy until you get to know me, I'm very sympathetic and empathetic when the situation calls for it, and I like to think that I'm a good person. I'm not a negative person at all and I don't think I truly hate anything, well except for yams. YUCK! I give everything a chance before I say something negative about it, and sometimes I feel like I think with my heart too much. When I go out to stores by myself I usually try to look like I'm angry so people won't talk to me. My first instinct has always been to push people away and not let anyone know how I was feeling.

I really don't know where this shy attitude came from. When I was in kindergarten I remember crying every day when my mommy left me at school for the day, then in first grade I remember my mother dragging me down the alley that lead me to school with me kicking and crying because of how much I hated leaving her. My mom finally home schooled me the rest of my first grade year and put me in a different school when I became a second grader and even then I would get tears in my eyes when my mom left me at that school. So long story short, since I can remember I've been shy and kind of a loaner.

I've always had a few great friends and acquaintances and I never had any trouble getting a boyfriend. I didn't really have a different life than any other "normal" person until all the crap with my dad happened, but we already know about that.

I think that since the drug addiction happened with my dad, I have kind of become numb and I don't really know how to let people in. Lately I don't really like physical love, as in hugs and kisses, I don't really even like it that much from my husband which is weird. For some reason though I've been pushing hard not to be loved or feel loved by anyone and I don't really know why. I really feel numb right now and that's the best way I can describe it. I feel like I could be alone with no friends or family and be happy which is so not normal. I wish I could get to the bottom of all of my problems, I have no idea whats going on inside of this head of mine.

I told dad I'm going to therapy.

So, I told my dad today that I'm starting therapy next month. He looked at me and said "I'm sorry, I know it's cause of me." I said "it's not just you, but yes, that is why I started searching for a therapist in the first place. I get angry a lot and have a lot of trust issues because of what you did and I need to work through them in order to get myself better and healed."

For once I wasn't scared to say something to his face, I wasn't scared I was going to hurt his feelings, I wasn't scared that he would crumble to the floor in little pieces. Why was I so afraid to talk to him about this? Why was I so scared that he would hate me? Why did I feel like he would do anything other than apologize?

I think because of all the years I watched my father be so emotionally unstable and so mentally warped, I thought that he would go back to that state of mind. My father's sober now, and drugs were the only reason he acted like that. I really need to get that into my head. I need to get used to this new person in my life. I need to get used to the fact that after a few years or so, I may have my old dad back. I may actually get exactly what I have wanted all of these years.

Wow...things are looking up.

Psychologist appt

Well, I finally got up the nerve to make an appointment with a Psychologist. I'm still shaking from talking to the receptionist about making an appointment. I hope this helps my healing process. I hope that this gets everything sorted out inside of me. My friend said that she's really excited for me and thinks that this will go great!

It's really hard for me to talk about my feelings to people, and I know it's going to be even harder for me to talk to someone I don't know at all. Hopefully this lady will be a great match for me.

I told my mother what I was doing, and she told me that the person she went to really helped her. She asked me what was wrong and I told her I just get angry and sad sometimes and I'm tired of it. I told her I was ok, but I'm just tired of having breakdowns. I told her my brother needs therapy too and she said she knew and is hoping the Navy will help with that.

I have news for her, the Navy is just going to make him push down his feelings. "Men aren't supposed to feel, men are supposed to be strong and have everything handled." I only know this because of the difference between my husband before the Air Force, and after the Air Force. He came back a brain washed zombie when he came home from basic. He acted differently towards everyone. He still isn't the same to this day, he's gotten a lot closer to being the old guy I used to know, but has a little ways to go. I pray that the Navy won't change my brother. I hope it makes him independent and a little more grown up, but I don't want to see him brainwashed.

Daddy got a job not far away from my home town.

So, my dad got a job, and he informed me that it's close enough to my hometown that he will be staying in my old house. ::holds head in hands:: I told him straight up I don't know if that's such a good idea, but he told me he's not talking to any old friends, he's going to be worried about getting the house back up to par, he's going to worry about his new job, and that he's going to be ok.

I think that he is strong enough to do this right now, but I don't know for how long. I don't know if this will last. "Lord give me the strength to trust my father, give me the strength to trust in you. Remind me that you know what is best for people. Lord give me inner peace, and make everything ok inside of me. Give me the strength to give this entire problem to you. In Jesus name I pray. Amen."

::blows up at husband:: Oh wait! I'm just mad at my father.

So, my husband took me out to eat tonight, and I haven't been in the best mood for the past week. I love this place that we went to and wanted to get something a bit pricey. My husband complained about the price and I blew up on him. He was like, "you can get that if you want it, I was just saying it was pricey." I angrily ordered something else and whenever the food came I came to a huge realization. I wasn't mad at my husband, I was mad at my father.

I'll back up a little bit. My father has been searching for jobs and has gotten job offers in Georgia, Texas, Missouri, and Kansas. I've really enjoyed being able to see him as much as possible since he's so close to where I live. The other day I was talking to him on the phone and he told me that he would most likely take the job in Texas. I paused, and told him I would miss him very much. He said "don't worry I'll fly you out there."  We hung up, and I played the entire conversation through my head. This time though, I added every little word I wanted to say. "Dad, you never flew me out to see you before when you had money, what would be so different now? Dad, you always make promises you can't keep. What happened to that trip to Europe you were supposed to take me on when I graduated high school? What happened to that car you were going to buy me when I graduated? Dad, why don't you want to be near me? Dad, why can't you just stay somewhere near Georgia, it doesn't even have to be in Georgia, just somewhere closer than freaking Texas? Why are you so happy and ready to be away from me again? Dad, I will never see you except for MAYBE on holidays if you move to Texas. I understood you had to live in Texas before because of the military, but now you have a choice, and once again your being selfish. You want to go and live with your girlfriend, who by the way I can't fucking stand. Thanks, and bye."

That would have crushed him. So I told my husband sorry, told him every little reason I'm mad at my dad right now, and he understood. I don't think I will EVER forgive my dad if he stresses me out to the point of me constantly being mean to my husband and in the end getting a divorce. Yes I feel I can blame that on him. I feel I can blame everything that goes array in my life on him. Right now I feel pissed at the world just because I'm pissed at my father.I have so much anger and hurt inside of me that is just waiting to come out. When it does, I hope the only person that gets hurt by it is my father. Emotionally, not physically. I think he deserves to feel a little bit of what he's done to me.

The other part of me knows that he regrets everything, but it's hard to realize that when he still decides on things that benefit him and only him when he has a fucking family who loves him and wants to be a part of his life. I'm shaking with anger now, so I think I should stop typing. I'm tired of being angry.

My old best friend part 2

So, I was looking up auditions for plays coming up at the little theatre here, and it reminded me of my old best friend, how he's really into the dramatic arts, and how we were in a few plays together. As soon as I got done writing down all the audition dates and went to my facebook page, there was a message. I opened it up and it was from him. He told me that  one of my best friends and he were talking and thought it would be a great idea for me and him to get together.

I automatically started crying. These were tears of joy though as a huge relief came over me and my heart filled with joy to just see that he is making an effort to be friends still. There's so much that I need to tell him. First off, I need to apologize to him for ever pushing him away and not being totally honest with him about what was going on in my life. I also need to apologize for not being accepting of who he was back in high school.

I need to explain to him that I am so not that person I was before. I'm no longer judgmental, I no longer hold a grudge for anything that's happened in the past between us, and I no longer keep things in like I did. I probably need to tell him about this blog. It's the only way I know to tell him what I went through because if I try to explain this to him, I will burst into tears.

I don't think this visit will be awkward at all. I pray that we can get all of our feelings out on the table and make them disappear once and for all. Hopefully I don't see him,  hug him and burst into tears, but we'll see. I really really hope to have a great reunion and get a life time friend out of this. I've missed him so much.

Mob Wives

So I know I'm a loser for doing so, but I watch Mob Wives. My husband and I got into it basically because of the stupid drama that's so intriguing. It's crazy how other people's drama and hurt can be so interesting to people. It makes me wonder if I went on a tv show, how many people would watch, no I take that back. I know millions of people would watch. I would have those flashbacks with paid actors to play the part of my hurtful childhood, and come back to me now just as a tear was falling down my cheek. Yeah, it's pretty messed up isn't it? I really don't understand why people want to be famous so badly that they would open themselves up to sadness and grieving almost every day of their life.

Anyways, Mob Wives is about wives and daughters of "Mob Kings". They share very painful details of how they had to grow up with father's in jail, and how they have had to raise their kids by themselves because their husbands are in jail for robbing a bank, or worse. I don't feel bad for the wives because they chose their life. They knew who they were marrying when they married them. I feel a great sense of empathy for the women who grew up with fathers in jail, because they didn't have a choice. You can't choose who your parents are. It's really crazy how much I have in common with these women, they grew up with limited visits to their father, they looked for people to take away the pain of not having a father figure in their life, they have to go through a lot of therapy to feel better and get things off of their chest. People judge them, and hate them without even knowing them. People don't give them a fair chance at anything because of who they are kin to. This takes me back to people in my old church judging me. I hated that, and felt so betrayed, just like these women do.

When my husband and I are watching Mob Wives together, I usually try to hide my face because a lot of the time the women are talking to someone about how their father wasn't there for them, and how much that hurts them. Of course I start crying because I know exactly how that feels. How sick is that that I feel empathy towards Mobster's daughters?!

This was just a random thought that I had today, and figured I would write about it. By the way, I would never recommend watching this show, it's stupid and juvenile, and I don't even know why I still watch it, but something about it has gotten me hooked. ::Sigh::

Father's day

Well, as you all know, yesterday was fathers day, and what did I do for my father? I gave him a phone call. I just didn't have the money to go down to my hometown so I stayed home and did school work. For a while I felt bad about not being able to get him anything, but he said "baby you've given me a place to stay and took me to the beach, I'm pretty sure you've given me enough." He's right. I'm letting him stay in my house rent free and I'm feeding him. I shouldn't feel bad about not being able to afford a gift or card for him for father's day.

Something definitely pissed me off yesterday though. My brother didn't call my dad til after 3 in the afternoon, and dad was getting pretty mad about it. My brother isn't really a planner, he just kind of goes with the flow and doesn't really give 2 shits about anything. He does his own thing and doesn't care who he hurts in the process, especially if they've hurt him before. Dad was so mad he was telling me he was going to turn off his phone and just say "fuck it, my son doesn't care about me." I talked him out of it and said that he would call because he told me he would and he wouldn't not see his own father on fathers day.

You would think the thing that pissed me off was my brother not really caring about father's day, but it wasn't. It was the fact that dad expected my brother to go out of his way to call him when he himself has gone missing weeks at a time, hell he went missing a few weeks ago and was supposed to hang out with my brother. He blew him off for a one night stand, or something like that, and expects my brother to drop his life, spend money on him and forget that? I don't fucking think so, I don't care if is is father's day.

My brother is a lot different from me, the major difference being that he's not forgiving at all. If you fuck him over, that's it, he's done with your ass. What pisses me off the most is that I wonder if dad thinks like this with me. If I didn't call him all the time and constantly talk to him and constantly help him out, would he even call me. I'm the one who calls him, I'm the one who offers my help with him finding a job, I'm the one who gives him a place to stay and puts a meal in front of him, has it gotten to the point where he just expects it? I don't know, but I sure hope he appreciates the hell out of me, cause I could start acting like my brother and not give 2 shits anymore.

I don't know, maybe my dad was just hurt and covering up that hurt with anger. I really wish that my brother and dad could have a healthy relationship though, not that mine is, at least not a fully healthy relationship. I just wish they could get along without getting butt hurt when something doesn't work out. Sometimes I feel like their fucking mom, and I just don't feel like dealing with their bullshit. Yesterday was definitely one of those days.

Why can't I let this go?

I've been without my computer for almost a week so I haven't been able to update, and trust me I felt like I was going to die.

Anyways, as you all know my dad has been staying with me for a week now and it's been great. We've been applying for jobs and fixing his resume, we've been watching movies and cooking together; it's been great. Today he got a call from a friend 20 minutes from my hometown and said he has work for him to do tomorrow where he will be making $10 an hour. He needs the money and definitely needs the work, so of course he took this guy up on his offer.

He told me about it and I said that I don't like the mind set he's in when he's in my hometown, and I don't like that he's going to be that close to it.  He looked at me, smiled and said, "Don't sugar coat it baby." I looked away and tried to act like I was happy he had work, but I just couldn't do it. It's temporary work that will pay his bills for another month, and I should feel happy for him, and it's not like he won't be back here where I live next week. I don't know why this stressed me out so much, I just can't get it out of my head that he will relapse. I can't get it out of my head that he will end up disappearing and never come back.

I helped him pack his stuff, and got all of his paperwork together so he could study for a test he has coming up soon. I helped him get everything in his car, and gave him a big bear hug and he said "I'll see you on Sunday for father's day." I nodded and watched him get in the car and drive off.

Why can't I just trust him and let him do his own thing without feeling this painful hand on my heart threatening to rip it out of my chest? Why can't I let what he has done go? Why can't I just truly forgive and forget everything that has happened in the past? I want to so badly. And what kills me the most is dad knows that I don't trust him, and he knows that everything he does, I have to look at logically instead of with trust. I see it in his eyes that it kills him that I try so hard to trust him, and can't, and he knows there's a damn good reason for it. He knows it will never change, because in all honesty, who can get past something like watching their father battle a crack addiction? Who?! Definitely not me.

Dad's here!

Well, I finally got my dad to come and stay with me. It took a really long time, and a lot of coaxing, but he finally made it. I'm so glad he's out of my home town. I'm so glad he is away from all of his worst memories. I feel so much better about this. I don't have to worry about him as much here. Hell, I don't really have to worry about him at all.

I could tell dad was wanting crack really badly. When he thinks about it, he gets really quiet and really aloof. Thank God my mother in law's boyfriend is a recovering crack addict who has been sober for 10 years plus. He is my dad's new mentor, and what is weird is that this guy is kind of psychic. He feels what other people are feeling and can talk to them about it. He knew something about me that I haven't told anyone. This guy was a blessing from God. He calls my dad daily and makes him feel better. It's crazy how fate can bring people together. This man came into my dad's life at the perfect time, and is going to be in his life from now on.

He told me that dad has been wanting crack badly, and I knew that. He still hasn't relapsed but thinks about it daily. I also knew that. Being an addict never goes away. You think about whatever you're addicted to every single day. You crave it every single day. You fight it every single day. Once an addict, always an addict no matter how long you remain sober.

The worst beach trip ever.

Well, I haven't updated in a while because I've been at the beach, and I had no alone time to blog. We went to Ft. Walton Beach and stayed in a condominium there.

I am not exaggerating when I say this was the worst beach trip ever. It started off with us getting there and it being in an upstairs room. My husband's mom is on oxygen 24-7 and cannot get up and down stairs in the heat. We asked for a downstairs bedroom but they had no 2 bedroom 2 baths vacant downstairs. I felt horrible because I was the one that made all of the reservations and everything. So as soon as we got there the trip wasn't right.

The next day I was finally feeling better about the trip. I made strawberry daiquiris, saw some awesome friends from Arkansas, and had a great cook out. I only thought about how I had messed up a few times that day. Our friends from Arkansas left and not even an hour later all hell broke loose.

My husband and his brother got into a huge fight (not a fist fight.) They were both drunk from doing shots a tequila and both had no tolerance for anything at that point. My brother in law told me to shut up in a funny way, and my husband got really offended even though my brother in law was kidding and it didn't bother me in the least bit. I went over to my husband trying to tell him that it didn't bother me in the least bit, and he snapped at me. I screamed in his face that he was being a dumb ass and needed to stop drinking, and he grabbed my face. He didn't hurt me, and didn't put any pressure, but you don't do that period, especially when there are four men in the room and one of them is your father... My father got up, pulled my husband away from me and the biggest brawl of all started. My husband pushed my dad up against a wall, then dad got him in a headlock trying to make him pass out because he was belligerent.

My brother in law finally got them apart while I was rocking myself in a corner the entire time. If you don't know me, then you don't know that I've been in an abusive relationship before and my husband knew the first time he touches me, I'm gone. Well, my husband was crying and screaming and asking what happened because he didn't remember any of it. He didn't remember anything but him and his brother arguing. I told him he got physical with me and he kept saying "I'm no better than that other faggot that did that to you. I don't deserve to live! What did I do?!" He went to the beach and him and his brother had a long talk. Me and my dad went to the beach and walked along it talking the whole time. He said, "you know he wasn't going to hurt you right?", and I said "yes I do, but him putting his hands on me like that period was not right." Dad said, "and he knows that." I told dad I didn't know what I was going to do, and he said he would support me no matter what.

We got back to the condo, and my husband was still not there. My basically sister in law was there and I asked if I could sleep with her that night because she was mad at my husband's brother too, and didn't feel like being in the same room as him. We had a long talk and she basically told me the same thing, "he wasn't going to hurt you I think he just wanted to push you away so he wouldn't hurt you, but in doing so he grabbed your face." I knew that, and I knew he wasn't going to hurt me because he didn't put any pressure on my face whatsoever.

My husband finally came in and sat down with me. He said he's done drinking because he literally didn't remember anything that happened, and he never wants to be in that situation again. I told him my side of the story, and he started crying. He couldn't believe any of that happened.

The next day I got up way before he did because he was so hung over, and talked to his mom about everything that happened. She asked if I could ever forgive him, and I said yes. She said "I'm glad you love him, because he sure does love you." My husband came down the stairs and was so bruised up. His hand was swollen up, his toe was purple, his mouth was busted up, and he looked like hell. He laid down in my lap and I told him, "That was your get out of jail free card simply because you didn't hurt me, and I knew deep down you weren't going to hurt me. If it ever happens again I will be out of your life." He started crying, and I did too. He said, "I wish I could remember everything but I don't, and I'm so sorry. I promise I am never drinking again and never doing that again." I simply said, "I know you won't."

Please don't let this make you think little of my husband, he is a very nice guy who treats me very good. He loves me with all of his heart, and has never laid a hand on me in the 6 years we've been together, and he's not going to start now. And trust me, I am not one of those people who makes excuses for other people. I've been down that road before, and will never go down that road again.

This whole ordeal definitely put into detail how much I mean to my father though, and that he would do anything for me even if he thinks that I am in the slightest bit of danger. Just another thing to put on the list of why my dad is still my superhero even after everything he has put me through.

Selfish

I don't know why I try to make dad rethink going back to Texas, if I learned that I had to move back to Arkansas, I would go back in a heartbeat and not think twice about it, hell I would be jumping for joy. I would definitely miss my friends and family here, but I loved my life in Arkansas, and I was so far away from all of my problems there that I rarely thought about them.

Sometimes I'm so selfish without meaning to be. I have to look at this from my father's point of view. My dad's miserable in my hometown, he hates getting constantly reminded of his screw ups, he hates getting constantly reminded of his ex wife who he claims to be in love with still even though he was in a relationship before he was even divorced, and he hates having to rely on other people for money, food, and shelter. Just like me in Arkansas, dad had a life in Texas, and he was happy there. It is far enough away from his problems that he rarely thought about them.

I love having my father at my every beckoning call, and I love being able to physically see him, but I have to think about what is best for him, and what is best for him is him going back to Texas and starting a new life.  I will definitely miss my father, and I will miss being able to see him, but I have decided that if he gets this job in Texas, I will shed a tear or two watching him drive away out of my life again, but I will do it with a smile on my face and try to be the proudest daughter a daughter can be.

Wait! I take it all back!

My dad's got job interviews in Texas and it's looking really good. It's really hurting my feelings that he wants to live that far away again. I understand that he doesn't want to be in my home town, but why Texas?! That's at least 15 hours away. I know I've been complaining about him being back, but in all honesty I'm going to miss him if he gets this job in Texas. It's been nice to be able to see him whenever I feel like going down to my home town.

Dad didn't relapse the other day. I don't really know where he disappeared to, but I know he didn't relapse. I found out when my dad got back from Texas that he was diagnosed with PTSD which has really messed with him. I'd be surprised if he DIDN'T have PTSD. When he was in Afghanistan he lost a close friend and where he was, got shot at daily. If you have netflix, look up the movie called Restrepo. This is where my dad was, it was horrible living conditions and horrible battles between them and the Afghans. No wonder dad can't sleep.

I wish my dad could get a job up here where I live now. That way he could be close to me and still be away from drugs. I'm not saying that Texas wouldn't be good for him, but I want to be selfish for a little while. I want my daddy here. I take back everything I said about him ruining my life by coming back to my home town. I just want my dad to be close to me at my every beckoning call. I want to be able to see my dad without having to travel 15 + hours. I want him physically in my life, not technologically in my life. Skype is amazing, but there's nothing like my dad physically holding me in his arms, there's nothing like being able to say "hey let's hang out this weekend." I haven't been able to do that in years, and it's felt really really good. Now that dad has a cell phone I don't worry about him as much because he actually calls me and I call him. He hasn't not answered once since he got it. So as I said before, I take it all back! I just want my dad near me. ::Holds head in hands::