My old best friend

I was thinking a lot about my old best friend today and how badly I want to see and talk to him again. I kind of stopped talking to him around the time my dad started crack. He probably thinks it's because I started dating my husband and was stuck up his butt.

I'm going to give a little bit of back story. This guy was my best friend for years probably since we were in 6th grade. I use to be a huge Christian, and he finally came out of the closet to me probably in 8th or 9th grade. I kept reciting scripture from the bible where it says being gay is wrong. I tried to make him straight...doesn't that sound horrible?! I am so not like that now. Shit I could even be bi man. Girls are beautiful creatures.

Once I started dating my now husband was when dad started his drug experimenting. I don't know if my friend didn't like my husband, or if he was jealous of him. My friend and I did spend a lot of time together, and it was like we were joined at the hip, so there's no telling. All of a sudden my friend was being mean to me, and rude to my husband, so my husband was rude back. Let me get something straight, my husband doesn't have a problem with anyone until they give him a reason to have a problem with them. He doesn't care if you're gay, straight, black, white, a cross dresser, or whatever. If you're rude to him he's going to be rude back. My friend started getting rude to both of us and I have no idea why. I think that my friend thought my husband didn't like him because he was gay which was so far from the truth it's not even funny he didn't like him because he was being a dick to me and him.


I did start pushing my friend away just as I pushed everyone away because of my dad. I'm pretty sure they all thought is was because of my husband, but it wasn't. I didn't want to have to tell all of them exactly what was going on in my life, hell it took a lot for me to start this blog and tell one single best friend that I was starting it. Back then I found it easier to not talk to anyone. My husband knew everything because he was the only one I could open up to.

The other night I was sitting in the bathtub playing a scenario in my head. I talk to myself a lot and act like the person I need to talk to is there. I pretended we were at a table talking and this is what I said... "I want to be friends like we were before. I'm so sorry for pushing you away, but you are not innocent in this either." At this point I started crying. "I miss you so much and I think about what we used to have and how I just kind of threw it away. I also know that you were going through a hard time and left you high and dry and I'm so sorry for that."

Then I thought about telling him about this blog. I don't know if he would care. I don't even know this guy anymore. We're friends on facebook but I haven't actually seen him since we graduated 3 years ago... and the last time I talked to him he wasn't exactly the nicest guy in the world. I don't think he would want to fix things. I'm pretty sure he's moved on with his life and I'm just an old friend who he's lost contact with. I miss him so much though. I wish he would respond to me on facebook and tell me that he wants to get together too, but he hasn't and probably won't. I just have to deal with that. I guess sometimes you just have to let people go.