Oblivious? HA! I wish.

Ok, so I'm kind of freaking out. I'm better since my therapist appointment earlier today, but I think I went from breakdown to mildly freaking out.

I'm pretty sure my dad is doing something. I'll start from the beginning so this makes sense. My mom calls me sometime last week and tells me that my brother had a very bad day, I asked why and she said "I can't discuss that right now but part of it is because your dad has a lady living in the house when he can't even pay for it. Your brother seems to think that this lady is on meth. She has acne on her face and is really skinny and just looks sickly." I was like "WHAT!" Why is dad letting this lady he met last week in a bar stay in the house? He doesn't even know this bitch! What kind of idiot is he? My brother is so freaked out by this lady that he wouldn't even go into the house without our cop friend present.

So I go down to my home town this weekend and dad says he'll come and hang out with me Friday night. I call him and he says that he fell asleep and isn't going to come out. He tells me to call him tomorrow. I call him the next day and the same thing happened. "Oh I fell asleep, I'll see you tomorrow." My brothers going away grill out was this past Sunday. Friends and family were there and it was awesome. Well, it was awesome besides the fact that dad showed up just in time to eat, eats, then leaves not even an hour later. He was preoccupied with everything other than his son. He was getting calls every two seconds! I finally said "dad, who the hell is calling you?" He got upset and basically told me fuck off, but I didn't care. He should have been there for his son, he should have been there to spend time with him and me. He's never been there for his children though, so why expect anything different now?

Money is missing, dad's avoiding me and my brother, dad's broken out around his face, dad's always tired... you tell me if somethings up. I know it's not crack because he's not cracked out, but I wouldn't be surprised if it were meth or something else.

My therapist and I came to the conclusion that I need to tell my dad that I know something is going on, and that I'm not oblivious. I need to get it off my chest and be done with it. I can suggest some treatment centers, but go no further than that. This is not my fucking problem. It will hurt to see my dad hurting, I will love and care for him, but this is his fucking battle, not mine! I will not let myself get stuck in this situation again. I just need to keep repeating that to myself over and over til it sticks. UGH!

Therapist

So I've had two sessions with my therapist, and I absolutely love it. This therapist can get everything out of me. I feel like I don't have to shut him out, and also feel like I am not being judged. I talked to him about everything. I apparently have some major issues with anxiety if I feel I can't control the situation. I also make things that aren't my problem my problem, which people have told me multiple times. I have to work on my "soft no" so I don't overwhelm myself by saying yes to too many things and don't feel bad for saying no.

I don't understand why I felt that I would get judged by this therapist, it was so stupid. I guess I was so used to people judging me without knowing me. "Oh, her dad is a crack head she's ganna end up like him." "Oh her dad is a crack head, she'll never come out of that situation sane, it's no wonder she's going to a therapist." Now, I could care less. I feel so much better since I've started going to therapy and I can't believe I wasn't going because I was scared of what they would think of me.

My best friend has been trying to get me to go to therapy for the longest time, and now I know why, she wants me to heal, she wants me to feel better about myself, and stand up for myself.

Something my therapist said that really made me feel good is that I am going to be awesome at the job I'm going to school for. I have a sensitivity that most people don't have and that will make me great with my students.

God I love therapy! I hope that anyone who has issues they need to work through, go through therapy, and virgin monoblogger, I don't wanna hear I told you so lol.