"I take everything he says with a grain of salt."

So my brother called me a few hours ago and said, "I need to talk to you." I was like, "ok", you know one of those "oh shit what did I do oks".

So he tells me that dad had come over to the house and apparently talked to mom a lot about multiple things including how he's still not making enough money to pay her and he's not going to make enough money to support my brother until he goes off to the Navy. 

Let me back up some. My dad recently just got back on his feet with a job and told my brother that he would pay him weekly to help him in the yard and house fixing it up for people to rent. So my brother puts his 2 weeks notice in at work and 2 weeks go by so he quits. He finds out that dad doesn't have the money to pay him so frantically calls his boss back who luckily gives him his job back.

So he calls me and says..."I can't believe that he wasn't going to tell me he couldn't pay me! He's such a fucking ass, why couldn't he tell me this? He was just going to keep giving me false hope! I had to hear from mom that he couldn't pay me, he couldn't even confront me about it! What the fuck man. I'm so pissed I'm crying!" I listened to his ranting and raving until he was done and calmed down a little bit and said "dad is prideful, and dad hates seeing disappointment in our eyes because he has disappointed us for the majority of our lives. He is horrible at confrontation and doesn't want to admit to his children that he has failed at something once again. He promises things with the intent of doing them, but they rarely happen. I can count on one hand how many of the 500,000 things he has promised me have actually happened. I hate to say this, but you have to take what he says with a grain of salt. Don't take this personally because he doesn't mean it that way. Just love him and know that he really does want to do the things he has promised, but they probably won't happen, even though he truly does want them to happen. You should have seen the look on his face when I told him I was going to therapy."That calmed him down even more, and got him to understand how dad thinks and feels a little more. He said he was going to start taking things with a grain of salt now and that he couldn't wait to go the fuck away and join the Navy so he could help mom and himself.

I hated that I had to make my brother realize this about dad. I was hoping that this day would never come. I was hoping he could always have dad as a superhero in his head. I was hoping that he could go through life trusting dad and not being numb towards him in any way. I hate that he is still getting hurt by him, and hope that this will change soon.

This made me realize that even though I feel fine towards my dad and I love him to death, that I will never trust him like I should be able to. He promised me that once I turned 18 he would get me a car, that didn't happen. He promised me that after I graduated high school he would take me on a cruise to Europe to see where I was born, that didn't happen. He promised me that he would start giving me money once a month, that didn't happen. He's broken so many plans, ditched me when he promised to stay and have fun, and done so many other things to the point that I can't take it personal anymore.

I am going to try to work through these trust issues, and these issues of being numb to "unkept" promises, but I don't think they will ever go away. I've learned to think with my head instead of my heart when it comes to my dad, and in turn probably towards a lot of other people unknowingly.

Enjoy life

Well, these past couple of days I've been running. And it is a HUGE stress reliever. I can only run like 3 blocks, but I walk the rest of the distance and the total distance is about two miles. After I run I feel alive! I feel stress free and I forget all my problems. I crank up my music on my iPod and enjoy the scenic route.

Why does nature and exercise make tons of people feel better? I don't know, but it sure does. One of my favorite things to do in the world is go to a cabin in the mountains and sit on the porch doing a crossword puzzle listening to the birds sing. The other favorite thing to do is sit on the beach and watch the tide come in. When I'm sitting on the porch or at the beach I feel closest to God. I can't believe that God was able to make this. I can't believe that God is bigger than that never ending ocean, I can't believe that God is taller than those mountains touching the sky.

I guess my point of writing this blog was to say... the little things are amazing proof of God too. Have you ever seen a tiny flower shoot up in a crack in the side walk? Have you ever seen a baby bird fall out of it's nest just to get back up again, try to fly, and succeed? Have you ever just woken up early to watch the sun rise? Have you ever watched the sun set and the moon rise? Have you ever seen a shooting star? I see all of these things just simply stepping outside, and also on my runs.

I'm not a very religious person, but I do know that God exist. He has helped me through way too much to not exist. He helped me get through my teenage years without a father figure in my life, he helped me move from different places and start a new life, he's helped me through my marriage, he's helped me through school. He's helped me through everything!

Next time you go outside, take a minute to notice the little things, take a minute to breath in life, and enjoy it.

Shy

You know, I'm not a very confrontational person. I'm very shy until you get to know me, I'm very sympathetic and empathetic when the situation calls for it, and I like to think that I'm a good person. I'm not a negative person at all and I don't think I truly hate anything, well except for yams. YUCK! I give everything a chance before I say something negative about it, and sometimes I feel like I think with my heart too much. When I go out to stores by myself I usually try to look like I'm angry so people won't talk to me. My first instinct has always been to push people away and not let anyone know how I was feeling.

I really don't know where this shy attitude came from. When I was in kindergarten I remember crying every day when my mommy left me at school for the day, then in first grade I remember my mother dragging me down the alley that lead me to school with me kicking and crying because of how much I hated leaving her. My mom finally home schooled me the rest of my first grade year and put me in a different school when I became a second grader and even then I would get tears in my eyes when my mom left me at that school. So long story short, since I can remember I've been shy and kind of a loaner.

I've always had a few great friends and acquaintances and I never had any trouble getting a boyfriend. I didn't really have a different life than any other "normal" person until all the crap with my dad happened, but we already know about that.

I think that since the drug addiction happened with my dad, I have kind of become numb and I don't really know how to let people in. Lately I don't really like physical love, as in hugs and kisses, I don't really even like it that much from my husband which is weird. For some reason though I've been pushing hard not to be loved or feel loved by anyone and I don't really know why. I really feel numb right now and that's the best way I can describe it. I feel like I could be alone with no friends or family and be happy which is so not normal. I wish I could get to the bottom of all of my problems, I have no idea whats going on inside of this head of mine.