So, I was looking up auditions for plays coming up at the little theatre here, and it reminded me of my old best friend, how he's really into the dramatic arts, and how we were in a few plays together. As soon as I got done writing down all the audition dates and went to my facebook page, there was a message. I opened it up and it was from him. He told me that one of my best friends and he were talking and thought it would be a great idea for me and him to get together.
I automatically started crying. These were tears of joy though as a huge relief came over me and my heart filled with joy to just see that he is making an effort to be friends still. There's so much that I need to tell him. First off, I need to apologize to him for ever pushing him away and not being totally honest with him about what was going on in my life. I also need to apologize for not being accepting of who he was back in high school.
I need to explain to him that I am so not that person I was before. I'm no longer judgmental, I no longer hold a grudge for anything that's happened in the past between us, and I no longer keep things in like I did. I probably need to tell him about this blog. It's the only way I know to tell him what I went through because if I try to explain this to him, I will burst into tears.
I don't think this visit will be awkward at all. I pray that we can get all of our feelings out on the table and make them disappear once and for all. Hopefully I don't see him, hug him and burst into tears, but we'll see. I really really hope to have a great reunion and get a life time friend out of this. I've missed him so much.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Mob Wives
So I know I'm a loser for doing so, but I watch Mob Wives. My husband and I got into it basically because of the stupid drama that's so intriguing. It's crazy how other people's drama and hurt can be so interesting to people. It makes me wonder if I went on a tv show, how many people would watch, no I take that back. I know millions of people would watch. I would have those flashbacks with paid actors to play the part of my hurtful childhood, and come back to me now just as a tear was falling down my cheek. Yeah, it's pretty messed up isn't it? I really don't understand why people want to be famous so badly that they would open themselves up to sadness and grieving almost every day of their life.
Anyways, Mob Wives is about wives and daughters of "Mob Kings". They share very painful details of how they had to grow up with father's in jail, and how they have had to raise their kids by themselves because their husbands are in jail for robbing a bank, or worse. I don't feel bad for the wives because they chose their life. They knew who they were marrying when they married them. I feel a great sense of empathy for the women who grew up with fathers in jail, because they didn't have a choice. You can't choose who your parents are. It's really crazy how much I have in common with these women, they grew up with limited visits to their father, they looked for people to take away the pain of not having a father figure in their life, they have to go through a lot of therapy to feel better and get things off of their chest. People judge them, and hate them without even knowing them. People don't give them a fair chance at anything because of who they are kin to. This takes me back to people in my old church judging me. I hated that, and felt so betrayed, just like these women do.
When my husband and I are watching Mob Wives together, I usually try to hide my face because a lot of the time the women are talking to someone about how their father wasn't there for them, and how much that hurts them. Of course I start crying because I know exactly how that feels. How sick is that that I feel empathy towards Mobster's daughters?!
This was just a random thought that I had today, and figured I would write about it. By the way, I would never recommend watching this show, it's stupid and juvenile, and I don't even know why I still watch it, but something about it has gotten me hooked. ::Sigh::
Anyways, Mob Wives is about wives and daughters of "Mob Kings". They share very painful details of how they had to grow up with father's in jail, and how they have had to raise their kids by themselves because their husbands are in jail for robbing a bank, or worse. I don't feel bad for the wives because they chose their life. They knew who they were marrying when they married them. I feel a great sense of empathy for the women who grew up with fathers in jail, because they didn't have a choice. You can't choose who your parents are. It's really crazy how much I have in common with these women, they grew up with limited visits to their father, they looked for people to take away the pain of not having a father figure in their life, they have to go through a lot of therapy to feel better and get things off of their chest. People judge them, and hate them without even knowing them. People don't give them a fair chance at anything because of who they are kin to. This takes me back to people in my old church judging me. I hated that, and felt so betrayed, just like these women do.
When my husband and I are watching Mob Wives together, I usually try to hide my face because a lot of the time the women are talking to someone about how their father wasn't there for them, and how much that hurts them. Of course I start crying because I know exactly how that feels. How sick is that that I feel empathy towards Mobster's daughters?!
This was just a random thought that I had today, and figured I would write about it. By the way, I would never recommend watching this show, it's stupid and juvenile, and I don't even know why I still watch it, but something about it has gotten me hooked. ::Sigh::
Monday, June 20, 2011
Father's day
Well, as you all know, yesterday was fathers day, and what did I do for my father? I gave him a phone call. I just didn't have the money to go down to my hometown so I stayed home and did school work. For a while I felt bad about not being able to get him anything, but he said "baby you've given me a place to stay and took me to the beach, I'm pretty sure you've given me enough." He's right. I'm letting him stay in my house rent free and I'm feeding him. I shouldn't feel bad about not being able to afford a gift or card for him for father's day.
Something definitely pissed me off yesterday though. My brother didn't call my dad til after 3 in the afternoon, and dad was getting pretty mad about it. My brother isn't really a planner, he just kind of goes with the flow and doesn't really give 2 shits about anything. He does his own thing and doesn't care who he hurts in the process, especially if they've hurt him before. Dad was so mad he was telling me he was going to turn off his phone and just say "fuck it, my son doesn't care about me." I talked him out of it and said that he would call because he told me he would and he wouldn't not see his own father on fathers day.
You would think the thing that pissed me off was my brother not really caring about father's day, but it wasn't. It was the fact that dad expected my brother to go out of his way to call him when he himself has gone missing weeks at a time, hell he went missing a few weeks ago and was supposed to hang out with my brother. He blew him off for a one night stand, or something like that, and expects my brother to drop his life, spend money on him and forget that? I don't fucking think so, I don't care if is is father's day.
My brother is a lot different from me, the major difference being that he's not forgiving at all. If you fuck him over, that's it, he's done with your ass. What pisses me off the most is that I wonder if dad thinks like this with me. If I didn't call him all the time and constantly talk to him and constantly help him out, would he even call me. I'm the one who calls him, I'm the one who offers my help with him finding a job, I'm the one who gives him a place to stay and puts a meal in front of him, has it gotten to the point where he just expects it? I don't know, but I sure hope he appreciates the hell out of me, cause I could start acting like my brother and not give 2 shits anymore.
I don't know, maybe my dad was just hurt and covering up that hurt with anger. I really wish that my brother and dad could have a healthy relationship though, not that mine is, at least not a fully healthy relationship. I just wish they could get along without getting butt hurt when something doesn't work out. Sometimes I feel like their fucking mom, and I just don't feel like dealing with their bullshit. Yesterday was definitely one of those days.
Something definitely pissed me off yesterday though. My brother didn't call my dad til after 3 in the afternoon, and dad was getting pretty mad about it. My brother isn't really a planner, he just kind of goes with the flow and doesn't really give 2 shits about anything. He does his own thing and doesn't care who he hurts in the process, especially if they've hurt him before. Dad was so mad he was telling me he was going to turn off his phone and just say "fuck it, my son doesn't care about me." I talked him out of it and said that he would call because he told me he would and he wouldn't not see his own father on fathers day.
You would think the thing that pissed me off was my brother not really caring about father's day, but it wasn't. It was the fact that dad expected my brother to go out of his way to call him when he himself has gone missing weeks at a time, hell he went missing a few weeks ago and was supposed to hang out with my brother. He blew him off for a one night stand, or something like that, and expects my brother to drop his life, spend money on him and forget that? I don't fucking think so, I don't care if is is father's day.
My brother is a lot different from me, the major difference being that he's not forgiving at all. If you fuck him over, that's it, he's done with your ass. What pisses me off the most is that I wonder if dad thinks like this with me. If I didn't call him all the time and constantly talk to him and constantly help him out, would he even call me. I'm the one who calls him, I'm the one who offers my help with him finding a job, I'm the one who gives him a place to stay and puts a meal in front of him, has it gotten to the point where he just expects it? I don't know, but I sure hope he appreciates the hell out of me, cause I could start acting like my brother and not give 2 shits anymore.
I don't know, maybe my dad was just hurt and covering up that hurt with anger. I really wish that my brother and dad could have a healthy relationship though, not that mine is, at least not a fully healthy relationship. I just wish they could get along without getting butt hurt when something doesn't work out. Sometimes I feel like their fucking mom, and I just don't feel like dealing with their bullshit. Yesterday was definitely one of those days.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Why can't I let this go?
I've been without my computer for almost a week so I haven't been able to update, and trust me I felt like I was going to die.
Anyways, as you all know my dad has been staying with me for a week now and it's been great. We've been applying for jobs and fixing his resume, we've been watching movies and cooking together; it's been great. Today he got a call from a friend 20 minutes from my hometown and said he has work for him to do tomorrow where he will be making $10 an hour. He needs the money and definitely needs the work, so of course he took this guy up on his offer.
He told me about it and I said that I don't like the mind set he's in when he's in my hometown, and I don't like that he's going to be that close to it. He looked at me, smiled and said, "Don't sugar coat it baby." I looked away and tried to act like I was happy he had work, but I just couldn't do it. It's temporary work that will pay his bills for another month, and I should feel happy for him, and it's not like he won't be back here where I live next week. I don't know why this stressed me out so much, I just can't get it out of my head that he will relapse. I can't get it out of my head that he will end up disappearing and never come back.
I helped him pack his stuff, and got all of his paperwork together so he could study for a test he has coming up soon. I helped him get everything in his car, and gave him a big bear hug and he said "I'll see you on Sunday for father's day." I nodded and watched him get in the car and drive off.
Why can't I just trust him and let him do his own thing without feeling this painful hand on my heart threatening to rip it out of my chest? Why can't I let what he has done go? Why can't I just truly forgive and forget everything that has happened in the past? I want to so badly. And what kills me the most is dad knows that I don't trust him, and he knows that everything he does, I have to look at logically instead of with trust. I see it in his eyes that it kills him that I try so hard to trust him, and can't, and he knows there's a damn good reason for it. He knows it will never change, because in all honesty, who can get past something like watching their father battle a crack addiction? Who?! Definitely not me.
Anyways, as you all know my dad has been staying with me for a week now and it's been great. We've been applying for jobs and fixing his resume, we've been watching movies and cooking together; it's been great. Today he got a call from a friend 20 minutes from my hometown and said he has work for him to do tomorrow where he will be making $10 an hour. He needs the money and definitely needs the work, so of course he took this guy up on his offer.
He told me about it and I said that I don't like the mind set he's in when he's in my hometown, and I don't like that he's going to be that close to it. He looked at me, smiled and said, "Don't sugar coat it baby." I looked away and tried to act like I was happy he had work, but I just couldn't do it. It's temporary work that will pay his bills for another month, and I should feel happy for him, and it's not like he won't be back here where I live next week. I don't know why this stressed me out so much, I just can't get it out of my head that he will relapse. I can't get it out of my head that he will end up disappearing and never come back.
I helped him pack his stuff, and got all of his paperwork together so he could study for a test he has coming up soon. I helped him get everything in his car, and gave him a big bear hug and he said "I'll see you on Sunday for father's day." I nodded and watched him get in the car and drive off.
Why can't I just trust him and let him do his own thing without feeling this painful hand on my heart threatening to rip it out of my chest? Why can't I let what he has done go? Why can't I just truly forgive and forget everything that has happened in the past? I want to so badly. And what kills me the most is dad knows that I don't trust him, and he knows that everything he does, I have to look at logically instead of with trust. I see it in his eyes that it kills him that I try so hard to trust him, and can't, and he knows there's a damn good reason for it. He knows it will never change, because in all honesty, who can get past something like watching their father battle a crack addiction? Who?! Definitely not me.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Dad's here!
Well, I finally got my dad to come and stay with me. It took a really long time, and a lot of coaxing, but he finally made it. I'm so glad he's out of my home town. I'm so glad he is away from all of his worst memories. I feel so much better about this. I don't have to worry about him as much here. Hell, I don't really have to worry about him at all.
I could tell dad was wanting crack really badly. When he thinks about it, he gets really quiet and really aloof. Thank God my mother in law's boyfriend is a recovering crack addict who has been sober for 10 years plus. He is my dad's new mentor, and what is weird is that this guy is kind of psychic. He feels what other people are feeling and can talk to them about it. He knew something about me that I haven't told anyone. This guy was a blessing from God. He calls my dad daily and makes him feel better. It's crazy how fate can bring people together. This man came into my dad's life at the perfect time, and is going to be in his life from now on.
He told me that dad has been wanting crack badly, and I knew that. He still hasn't relapsed but thinks about it daily. I also knew that. Being an addict never goes away. You think about whatever you're addicted to every single day. You crave it every single day. You fight it every single day. Once an addict, always an addict no matter how long you remain sober.
I could tell dad was wanting crack really badly. When he thinks about it, he gets really quiet and really aloof. Thank God my mother in law's boyfriend is a recovering crack addict who has been sober for 10 years plus. He is my dad's new mentor, and what is weird is that this guy is kind of psychic. He feels what other people are feeling and can talk to them about it. He knew something about me that I haven't told anyone. This guy was a blessing from God. He calls my dad daily and makes him feel better. It's crazy how fate can bring people together. This man came into my dad's life at the perfect time, and is going to be in his life from now on.
He told me that dad has been wanting crack badly, and I knew that. He still hasn't relapsed but thinks about it daily. I also knew that. Being an addict never goes away. You think about whatever you're addicted to every single day. You crave it every single day. You fight it every single day. Once an addict, always an addict no matter how long you remain sober.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
The worst beach trip ever.
Well, I haven't updated in a while because I've been at the beach, and I had no alone time to blog. We went to Ft. Walton Beach and stayed in a condominium there.
I am not exaggerating when I say this was the worst beach trip ever. It started off with us getting there and it being in an upstairs room. My husband's mom is on oxygen 24-7 and cannot get up and down stairs in the heat. We asked for a downstairs bedroom but they had no 2 bedroom 2 baths vacant downstairs. I felt horrible because I was the one that made all of the reservations and everything. So as soon as we got there the trip wasn't right.
The next day I was finally feeling better about the trip. I made strawberry daiquiris, saw some awesome friends from Arkansas, and had a great cook out. I only thought about how I had messed up a few times that day. Our friends from Arkansas left and not even an hour later all hell broke loose.
My husband and his brother got into a huge fight (not a fist fight.) They were both drunk from doing shots a tequila and both had no tolerance for anything at that point. My brother in law told me to shut up in a funny way, and my husband got really offended even though my brother in law was kidding and it didn't bother me in the least bit. I went over to my husband trying to tell him that it didn't bother me in the least bit, and he snapped at me. I screamed in his face that he was being a dumb ass and needed to stop drinking, and he grabbed my face. He didn't hurt me, and didn't put any pressure, but you don't do that period, especially when there are four men in the room and one of them is your father... My father got up, pulled my husband away from me and the biggest brawl of all started. My husband pushed my dad up against a wall, then dad got him in a headlock trying to make him pass out because he was belligerent.
My brother in law finally got them apart while I was rocking myself in a corner the entire time. If you don't know me, then you don't know that I've been in an abusive relationship before and my husband knew the first time he touches me, I'm gone. Well, my husband was crying and screaming and asking what happened because he didn't remember any of it. He didn't remember anything but him and his brother arguing. I told him he got physical with me and he kept saying "I'm no better than that other faggot that did that to you. I don't deserve to live! What did I do?!" He went to the beach and him and his brother had a long talk. Me and my dad went to the beach and walked along it talking the whole time. He said, "you know he wasn't going to hurt you right?", and I said "yes I do, but him putting his hands on me like that period was not right." Dad said, "and he knows that." I told dad I didn't know what I was going to do, and he said he would support me no matter what.
We got back to the condo, and my husband was still not there. My basically sister in law was there and I asked if I could sleep with her that night because she was mad at my husband's brother too, and didn't feel like being in the same room as him. We had a long talk and she basically told me the same thing, "he wasn't going to hurt you I think he just wanted to push you away so he wouldn't hurt you, but in doing so he grabbed your face." I knew that, and I knew he wasn't going to hurt me because he didn't put any pressure on my face whatsoever.
My husband finally came in and sat down with me. He said he's done drinking because he literally didn't remember anything that happened, and he never wants to be in that situation again. I told him my side of the story, and he started crying. He couldn't believe any of that happened.
The next day I got up way before he did because he was so hung over, and talked to his mom about everything that happened. She asked if I could ever forgive him, and I said yes. She said "I'm glad you love him, because he sure does love you." My husband came down the stairs and was so bruised up. His hand was swollen up, his toe was purple, his mouth was busted up, and he looked like hell. He laid down in my lap and I told him, "That was your get out of jail free card simply because you didn't hurt me, and I knew deep down you weren't going to hurt me. If it ever happens again I will be out of your life." He started crying, and I did too. He said, "I wish I could remember everything but I don't, and I'm so sorry. I promise I am never drinking again and never doing that again." I simply said, "I know you won't."
Please don't let this make you think little of my husband, he is a very nice guy who treats me very good. He loves me with all of his heart, and has never laid a hand on me in the 6 years we've been together, and he's not going to start now. And trust me, I am not one of those people who makes excuses for other people. I've been down that road before, and will never go down that road again.
This whole ordeal definitely put into detail how much I mean to my father though, and that he would do anything for me even if he thinks that I am in the slightest bit of danger. Just another thing to put on the list of why my dad is still my superhero even after everything he has put me through.
I am not exaggerating when I say this was the worst beach trip ever. It started off with us getting there and it being in an upstairs room. My husband's mom is on oxygen 24-7 and cannot get up and down stairs in the heat. We asked for a downstairs bedroom but they had no 2 bedroom 2 baths vacant downstairs. I felt horrible because I was the one that made all of the reservations and everything. So as soon as we got there the trip wasn't right.
The next day I was finally feeling better about the trip. I made strawberry daiquiris, saw some awesome friends from Arkansas, and had a great cook out. I only thought about how I had messed up a few times that day. Our friends from Arkansas left and not even an hour later all hell broke loose.
My husband and his brother got into a huge fight (not a fist fight.) They were both drunk from doing shots a tequila and both had no tolerance for anything at that point. My brother in law told me to shut up in a funny way, and my husband got really offended even though my brother in law was kidding and it didn't bother me in the least bit. I went over to my husband trying to tell him that it didn't bother me in the least bit, and he snapped at me. I screamed in his face that he was being a dumb ass and needed to stop drinking, and he grabbed my face. He didn't hurt me, and didn't put any pressure, but you don't do that period, especially when there are four men in the room and one of them is your father... My father got up, pulled my husband away from me and the biggest brawl of all started. My husband pushed my dad up against a wall, then dad got him in a headlock trying to make him pass out because he was belligerent.
My brother in law finally got them apart while I was rocking myself in a corner the entire time. If you don't know me, then you don't know that I've been in an abusive relationship before and my husband knew the first time he touches me, I'm gone. Well, my husband was crying and screaming and asking what happened because he didn't remember any of it. He didn't remember anything but him and his brother arguing. I told him he got physical with me and he kept saying "I'm no better than that other faggot that did that to you. I don't deserve to live! What did I do?!" He went to the beach and him and his brother had a long talk. Me and my dad went to the beach and walked along it talking the whole time. He said, "you know he wasn't going to hurt you right?", and I said "yes I do, but him putting his hands on me like that period was not right." Dad said, "and he knows that." I told dad I didn't know what I was going to do, and he said he would support me no matter what.
We got back to the condo, and my husband was still not there. My basically sister in law was there and I asked if I could sleep with her that night because she was mad at my husband's brother too, and didn't feel like being in the same room as him. We had a long talk and she basically told me the same thing, "he wasn't going to hurt you I think he just wanted to push you away so he wouldn't hurt you, but in doing so he grabbed your face." I knew that, and I knew he wasn't going to hurt me because he didn't put any pressure on my face whatsoever.
My husband finally came in and sat down with me. He said he's done drinking because he literally didn't remember anything that happened, and he never wants to be in that situation again. I told him my side of the story, and he started crying. He couldn't believe any of that happened.
The next day I got up way before he did because he was so hung over, and talked to his mom about everything that happened. She asked if I could ever forgive him, and I said yes. She said "I'm glad you love him, because he sure does love you." My husband came down the stairs and was so bruised up. His hand was swollen up, his toe was purple, his mouth was busted up, and he looked like hell. He laid down in my lap and I told him, "That was your get out of jail free card simply because you didn't hurt me, and I knew deep down you weren't going to hurt me. If it ever happens again I will be out of your life." He started crying, and I did too. He said, "I wish I could remember everything but I don't, and I'm so sorry. I promise I am never drinking again and never doing that again." I simply said, "I know you won't."
Please don't let this make you think little of my husband, he is a very nice guy who treats me very good. He loves me with all of his heart, and has never laid a hand on me in the 6 years we've been together, and he's not going to start now. And trust me, I am not one of those people who makes excuses for other people. I've been down that road before, and will never go down that road again.
This whole ordeal definitely put into detail how much I mean to my father though, and that he would do anything for me even if he thinks that I am in the slightest bit of danger. Just another thing to put on the list of why my dad is still my superhero even after everything he has put me through.
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