Wednesday, December 12, 2012


So, I haven't told anyone this, but my dad lost his job two weeks ago. No this wasn't the other job I talked about in my last entry, he lost that one too a while back. This job was about an hour away from me. He was doing fantastic, and apparently the reason for him getting fired from this job was because the board wants to do a psych evaluation on him to see if he is ok to practice medicine. He was doing so fucking good guys! He had given me control of his money, which surprisingly is not a hassle at all for me, he had been sober for about the 7 months he had been working there, and he even had a nice place on a lake. He looked healthy, and was coming to see me about every other weekend which I loved because it is good to see him doing great. He relapsed the day he got fired. A friend of ours and me have been helping him recover, and lets just say that is a hell of a thing to watch. Merry Christmas to me right?

So he calls me last week and tells me that he got a job offer for 4 months in Afghanistan, and he thinks he is going to take it. I was like "WHAT?! Dad, I don't think that is a good idea. I think you need to get everything squared away here, that way you can practice medicine with no bumps in the road." He was silent for a minute and just said "It's $10,000 a month babe." Who the fuck cares? When did money become the most important thing in the world? How about getting yourself right so you can make something of yourself here? I wish I would have said that to him, but what am I supposed to do? Tell a grown man how to live his life? Act like a parent towards my own father?

He came to visit me that same day. I was making dinner with him and I stopped stirring the home made guacamole I was making, threw the spoon in the sink and said. "Dad, you don't need to go to Afghanistan! You haven't dealt with your PTSD, you're running away from your problems that you need to handle here, and I don't think it's a good idea!" He looked at me and he saw I was on the verge of tears. He simply said "Ok, I don't really want to go anyways. I guess money isn't everything, and you're right, I need to put on my big boy pants and deal with my problems here." Yeah, that's what he told me, but he's still telling people there is a possibility of him going.

So needless to say. I am an emotional wreck. My family is so spread apart, and I won't get to see my brother, mom, or my dad on Christmas. The other day my husband and I put up Christmas decorations in our house. When we were done we turned on the Christmas tree lights, and our little Christmas village lights and turned off the house lights. We sat there looking at them listening to Christmas music, and I just started crying. My husband looked over at me and asked what was wrong. I just looked at him and said "Christmas just isn't the same anymore. I don't get to see any of my family, and it hurts." I get to go and put a happy smile on my face for my husband's family (who I love) but still. My brother and dad are going to be in freaking Texas, or there's that slight possibility that dad will be in Afghanistan, I'll see my mom before Christmas, but not on the day of.  I won't wake my brother up out of bed at 3 am so we can get a head start on what is in our stocking. I won't wake up 5 hours later to the smell of coffee cake and the sound of Christmas music going while my mom sings along, I won't go out to my granddaddy's farm and play football with my cousins. I won't do any of the things that were important to me, and on top of that, I get to worry about my dad the entire time.  So I've decided to be scrooge this Christmas. BA HUM BUG everybody! Anyone want to join?

Thursday, February 9, 2012

I haven't posted in a while...

So sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been super busy, and in all honesty avoiding the computer at all cost simply because I don't really know what I want to do with school. I'm leaning towards psychology and possibly being a school counselor, or a counselor who works with special needs children, or a substance abuse counselor... yeah so many choices. It's quite obnoxious.

In the past three months... dad got a job about 2 hours from where I live, I quit my schooling for special education due to not wanting to deal with the politics of education over my students, I finally got a honeymoon with my husband to the Bahamas WOO, and I've continued my awesome therapy sessions.

I've been super worried that my dad won't keep this job because he already doesn't seem happy with it. I don't think he'll ever be happy wherever he goes. I discussed this with my therapist and we came to the conclusion that it comes from his PTSD. Let me backtrack a little bit; my dad was staying with my husband and me because he didn't have anywhere else to go. It was only for 2 weeks, but that was definitely long enough. My dad and I worked together applying him for jobs and getting him back on track. One night we went to Burger King and this lady who worked there was cleaning the tables. She dropped something and it made a really loud noise. My dad closed his eyes and cringed. "You ok?" I asked.  He opened his eyes and simply said "loud noises." We continued eating our meal then went home. I talked to him a little bit that night and I told him that I think he subconsciously screws things up for himself because he doesn't think he deserves it. I told him that he does deserve a good job and deserves to be happy. He said, "You're exactly right. I have to keep a job to prove to you that I can do good for myself, and I can do good for you." "Don't do it for me dad, do it for you, then you can worry about me."

So, back to how my therapist and I came to the conclusion of dad's major issues all coming from PTSD. I told him this story, and told him how dad seems to never be happy in one place. I told him I think it's the Army's fault because he was used to getting moved from the states to Afghanistan and Iraq. He was never stateside for more than 6 months, and when he was he was getting ready for another deployment. The deployments lasted 16 to 18 months, but you are always on the move when you're deployed. My therapist said that my dad is probably more comfortable on the move because that's what he got used to. Not to mention, whenever you feel safe over there, you are usually not, so once you start to feel cozy and warm, you start to freak out a little.

I have a friend who is in the Army. We talk a lot, and he has told me over and over again that he expects to die in the line of duty, and that if he doesn't, he will feel like he didn't amount to anything, and didn't accomplish his job. He also told me that he feels like a piece of shit when he's stateside. I asked him if he thinks the Army has brainwashed him to think that way, and he said no. I said..."you seriously don't think that the Army has made you alienate yourself away from people to be prepared to die? You really don't believe they changed your way of thinking?" he didn't respond.

Anyways, the point of this not very well put together blog entry, was to catch you up a little bit and kind of give you an understanding of what I've learned about my father and many other veterans in our country. There is a reason why each and every one of these veterans act the way they do. For the time they were in war, they had to survive, and they stay in that state of mind even after they get home and out of the war zones. If there was a way we could help these people that would be great, like maybe mandatory therapy, or something. But the military doesn't care enough to make them go. They think that their Soldiers, Marines, Airmen, Seamen, and every other serviceman can handle anything when a lot of them are just like you and me. Ok, end rant...

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Mom's letter

Ok, so if you haven't cried from earlier post, go grab some tissues. I received this 6 page letter from my mom yesterday and I'm going to type it all out.

     "Hey baby girl! I know you aren't used to getting letters from me but between the journaling I started as my devotional back in June and the fact that a letter is the only way to communicate with your brother these days, I'm finding writing to be a good thing.
     My thoughts are with you today. Your dad and Ma would have gotten to your house last night and today you will all be together and preparing for tomorrow's big shin dig. I hope and pray that you have a wonderful time! Good luck remembering everyone! :)
     Now that my house is empty, except for crazy cats, I seem to have a lot of time for reflection. God has been strongly urging me to make sure those that I love know exactly where they stand in my life. I think that I'm beginning to heal! Sometimes it feels like I've just taken a final step out of a very dense fog. The fog was extremely debilitating and oppressive. Over the last...I don't know...probably 5 or 6 years I have been struggling to find my way through it. In the process I've let some of the people and things that are most important to me slip past. As much as I've wanted to be there for my friends, parents, and most importantly my children, I don't think I have succeeded. From this side of the fog I find myself living with the reality of the situation; You and Josh were and are living in that same oppressive fog. Oh baby girl, I'm so very sorry if I left you to find your way alone! I am so glad that you found your husband to anchor you during the storm of crap we found ourselves in. I'm grateful that you have a man who loves you and will stand beside you as support or in front of you as protection. You're a very lucky young lady! He's a pretty lucky man too!
    Now in case you haven't gotten the tissues you may want to at this time. Chances are that I'm going to start leaking so I'm pretty sure you will too.
    When I found out I was pregnant with you I was so excited! I may have only been 20, but I knew that I wanted to be a mom and wife more than anything in the world. You became the center of my world from that moment on! Pregnancy was not fun for me, I wasn't sick but I got REALLY fat and couldn't do a lot of the things I was use to doing. But as soon as you were born everything was perfect! You were so tiny and so helpless and so precious. I had no idea how much I could love another human being until God gave you to me and your dad. I never looked back. You became my focus and first thought in every decision I made from that moment on...even today I take into account how any action I take is going to affect you.
    Looking back it appears that it wasn't a one sided thing. You required me! Noone but your mom would do when it came time to eat (mostly because I was the one with the milk), or go to sleep (I had the hair to hold). It was exhausting at times but I never regretted it. Your dad was gone a lot. Field exercises and then war kept him away from us a lot. It was rough! But we made it through and your dad came home to us and we were a family again. Your dad and I almost split up back then, as you know. Families have growing pains. Adjustments have to be made and priorities have to be set. It's not easy! Of course, I got pregnant again! Even though things were a little strained with your dad I was excited about another baby. You were too when I found out I was pregnant. You were a handful at 2! You were defiant, into everything, and so adorable that I just wanted to squeeze you! Pregnancy made me tired and keeping up with you added to my exhaustion but it was okay and definitely worth it.
    By the time your brother was born you had become a tyrant! You fought sleep (as you always had), you pitched amazing fits that I had to ignore in order to take care of a new baby, but you still loved me and needed me. You were still my heart and priority. I had to split myself between you and your brother but God makes it so that love is added to a mom's heart when a baby is born so I still had all my love for you and all my love for your brother on top of it. I truly LOVED being a mom!
    As you grew up you were wonderful! You wanted to please your parents so much. You did everything to the best of your ability and made me a very proud mom and your dad a very proud dad. You never pushed us on anything, always staying within the boundaries set for you. When problems arose we discussed them with a minor amount of upheaval. You were and still are a daughter that anyone would dream of having! I did nothing more than love you with all of my heart and you were as close to perfect as a child could be! That may sound like a load of biased bull, but it isn't! You were and are an absolutely wonderful person!
    As high school started for you, Josh began to get into trouble. Knowing you to be the person you are and that I really didn't have to worry about your decision making my focus went to your brother and trying to figure out how to deal with some issues that were beyond anything I've ever dealt with. I left you to fend for yourself. I'm sorry. I did the best I could but I know I left you on your own and made demands on you at that time that were unfair.
     Little did I know, but my marriage was falling apart at this time too. My daughter was struggling with the pressures of high school and trying to find her way to becoming an adult, my son was having major problems with sex issues that I had no clue how to address and my husband had checked out leaving all of it in my lap.You got a job, doing your part to help out. You seldom complained to me about it but I'm sure you cried to your husband often. I can look back now and recognize the fragility of your emotions. You walked such a fine line between survival and complete breakdown. I know because I was walking my own tightrope.
    Good things came from that time. You and your brother and I became quite a unit. We were strong together. We were strong for each other. What I didn't know until later was how alone each of us felt.
    You graduated and got married and moved away within a very short period of time. I was scared for you. I worried that you were rushing things in order to separate yourself from the mess your family had become. I felt like such an utter failure. I had failed to be enough for my husband so he chose drugs. I had failed to be there for my daughter or make decisions that would protect her from the nastiness of addiction. I had failed to teach my son the importance of respecting himself and girls enough to have a relationship deeper than sexual desire with them. I had failed at the thing I had always considered my most important job...being a mom.
    Three years have passed. I have made many changes. It has been painfully difficult and exhausting but I know that as hard as it has been and as against every belief I've ever had it was to divorce your dad, I have done the right thing. You and your brother have been great during all the upheaval. You have loved me and supported me and understood what I was doing but more importantly why I was doing it. Thank you!
    I can't change the mistakes I've made over the years when it came to being your mom. I can tell you I did the best I could and that my love for you was just as strong when our world was falling apart as it was the first time I held you. I am very proud of the woman you are. In spite of the obstacles that life threw in your path you have all the qualities and abilities required to be a wonderful wife, fabulous mother and fantastic teacher. I know you are still dealing with things from our family issues. Knowing you are dealing with them shows once again what a strong person you are. Recognizing a problem is the easy part; taking care of it is where the difficulty lies.
    As I close (aren't you happy to hear the end is coming) I want you to know that I am happy! I actually had an old friend who hadn't seen me in a while tell me that I looked happy yesterday. It's a wonderful thing when the outside world recognizes the peace that is flowing through a person. I have that peace. Part of that is due to the knowledge that my baby girl is who she is, where she is, and with who she's with. You make me smile! Just the thought of you brings joy to my heart and I think about you often.
    Know that as this day goes on and turns into weeks, months and even years, you will always be a priority in my life. Yes, it is different from when you were a baby or even a teenager but it is still a fact. I've moved to another stage in my life where both of my children are self sufficient adults. It's a very different place! But It's a very good place!
    I love you! You are everything that a mother could ask for in a daughter and so much more! I'm awfully lucky to be able to say that you are mine!
                                                                           Love always!
P.S. Sorry so long, but I did have 22 years to cover! :)"

You know, I never thought of my mom as neglecting me, and I hate that she thinks she failed as a parent during that horrible time in our lives! I have no hard feelings toward her whatsoever! I will write more on this at another time. I felt like I needed to share this though.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Crack house

So, I just got off the phone with my mom and I could tell she felt down in the dumps just from the tone in her voice. I talked to her about me coming into town this weekend for my birthday, and how much fun I had with dad and Grandma at the family reunion, then I told her I might go and stay with dad in his new apartment for a day or so to help him move.

She said that he would probably really enjoy that, then she said "He'd probably enjoy hearing from you because I think I ruined his day." I asked her why and she said "I had this box full of wedding gifts, anniversary gifts, and jewelry that your dad had given me over the years like the diamond pendant he gave me when I turned 18, and my wedding band and stuff like that. I had asked your brother to grab those things before he left and he only grabbed a few of the things and the jewelry wasn't included. When I went over there the other week to sort through things and get what was mine, I noticed that all the jewelry was missing. I texted your dad to see if he had seen a little box by any chance. He calls me and says "what box?". I told him there was a little box filled with jewelry that he had given me over the years and that it was missing. He just said, "I'm so sorry Laura, I have no idea where it is.". I had a feeling he wasn't the one who took it, I just needed to ask him about it to make sure. I haven't had the heart to tell him what kind of shape the house was in when my father came in."

I asked her what she meant and she said "When my dad got the house signed over to him he automatically went to the house. There was a lady and a man there who had left the house in shambles. There were cigarette ashes all over the carpet, they had made the new cabinets in the bathroom I bought into an ash tray. There were melted candles in the carpet that these people had used for light because the electricity had been cut off. There was an expensive collectors gun missing, and a power washer from out in the back yard missing. These people had basically turned the house into a crack house. Your father only knew about the lady staying there, not the man, and he has no idea what kind of shape the house was left in. These people had no regard  for the house or your father at all, and I guess your dad thought of this lady as a friend."

I kind of want to call dad and bitch him out, but that would do no good. He honestly didn't know the people in the house were doing this. I just don't understand how he can trust a person so easily when he went through an addiction himself knowing that he would have done anything to get high again. I guess I just mostly want to tell him that I think he's a fucking idiot for letting anyone in the house that he met at a bar. He still doesn't know that I knew this bitch was in the house.

I feel so badly for my grandfather who now owns the house and has to clean it up in order to sell it. I hope when dad meets up with him this weekend to move the rest of the shit out, he apologizes profusely to him for ever being an idiot and putting him in this situation. Ugh! For my dad being so book smart, he sure is a fucking idiot. Ok, I think I'm done venting now...NOT!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Oblivious? HA! I wish.

Ok, so I'm kind of freaking out. I'm better since my therapist appointment earlier today, but I think I went from breakdown to mildly freaking out.

I'm pretty sure my dad is doing something. I'll start from the beginning so this makes sense. My mom calls me sometime last week and tells me that my brother had a very bad day, I asked why and she said "I can't discuss that right now but part of it is because your dad has a lady living in the house when he can't even pay for it. Your brother seems to think that this lady is on meth. She has acne on her face and is really skinny and just looks sickly." I was like "WHAT!" Why is dad letting this lady he met last week in a bar stay in the house? He doesn't even know this bitch! What kind of idiot is he? My brother is so freaked out by this lady that he wouldn't even go into the house without our cop friend present.

So I go down to my home town this weekend and dad says he'll come and hang out with me Friday night. I call him and he says that he fell asleep and isn't going to come out. He tells me to call him tomorrow. I call him the next day and the same thing happened. "Oh I fell asleep, I'll see you tomorrow." My brothers going away grill out was this past Sunday. Friends and family were there and it was awesome. Well, it was awesome besides the fact that dad showed up just in time to eat, eats, then leaves not even an hour later. He was preoccupied with everything other than his son. He was getting calls every two seconds! I finally said "dad, who the hell is calling you?" He got upset and basically told me fuck off, but I didn't care. He should have been there for his son, he should have been there to spend time with him and me. He's never been there for his children though, so why expect anything different now?

Money is missing, dad's avoiding me and my brother, dad's broken out around his face, dad's always tired... you tell me if somethings up. I know it's not crack because he's not cracked out, but I wouldn't be surprised if it were meth or something else.

My therapist and I came to the conclusion that I need to tell my dad that I know something is going on, and that I'm not oblivious. I need to get it off my chest and be done with it. I can suggest some treatment centers, but go no further than that. This is not my fucking problem. It will hurt to see my dad hurting, I will love and care for him, but this is his fucking battle, not mine! I will not let myself get stuck in this situation again. I just need to keep repeating that to myself over and over til it sticks. UGH!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


So I've had two sessions with my therapist, and I absolutely love it. This therapist can get everything out of me. I feel like I don't have to shut him out, and also feel like I am not being judged. I talked to him about everything. I apparently have some major issues with anxiety if I feel I can't control the situation. I also make things that aren't my problem my problem, which people have told me multiple times. I have to work on my "soft no" so I don't overwhelm myself by saying yes to too many things and don't feel bad for saying no.

I don't understand why I felt that I would get judged by this therapist, it was so stupid. I guess I was so used to people judging me without knowing me. "Oh, her dad is a crack head she's ganna end up like him." "Oh her dad is a crack head, she'll never come out of that situation sane, it's no wonder she's going to a therapist." Now, I could care less. I feel so much better since I've started going to therapy and I can't believe I wasn't going because I was scared of what they would think of me.

My best friend has been trying to get me to go to therapy for the longest time, and now I know why, she wants me to heal, she wants me to feel better about myself, and stand up for myself.

Something my therapist said that really made me feel good is that I am going to be awesome at the job I'm going to school for. I have a sensitivity that most people don't have and that will make me great with my students.

God I love therapy! I hope that anyone who has issues they need to work through, go through therapy, and virgin monoblogger, I don't wanna hear I told you so lol.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

"I take everything he says with a grain of salt."

So my brother called me a few hours ago and said, "I need to talk to you." I was like, "ok", you know one of those "oh shit what did I do oks".

So he tells me that dad had come over to the house and apparently talked to mom a lot about multiple things including how he's still not making enough money to pay her and he's not going to make enough money to support my brother until he goes off to the Navy. 

Let me back up some. My dad recently just got back on his feet with a job and told my brother that he would pay him weekly to help him in the yard and house fixing it up for people to rent. So my brother puts his 2 weeks notice in at work and 2 weeks go by so he quits. He finds out that dad doesn't have the money to pay him so frantically calls his boss back who luckily gives him his job back.

So he calls me and says..."I can't believe that he wasn't going to tell me he couldn't pay me! He's such a fucking ass, why couldn't he tell me this? He was just going to keep giving me false hope! I had to hear from mom that he couldn't pay me, he couldn't even confront me about it! What the fuck man. I'm so pissed I'm crying!" I listened to his ranting and raving until he was done and calmed down a little bit and said "dad is prideful, and dad hates seeing disappointment in our eyes because he has disappointed us for the majority of our lives. He is horrible at confrontation and doesn't want to admit to his children that he has failed at something once again. He promises things with the intent of doing them, but they rarely happen. I can count on one hand how many of the 500,000 things he has promised me have actually happened. I hate to say this, but you have to take what he says with a grain of salt. Don't take this personally because he doesn't mean it that way. Just love him and know that he really does want to do the things he has promised, but they probably won't happen, even though he truly does want them to happen. You should have seen the look on his face when I told him I was going to therapy."That calmed him down even more, and got him to understand how dad thinks and feels a little more. He said he was going to start taking things with a grain of salt now and that he couldn't wait to go the fuck away and join the Navy so he could help mom and himself.

I hated that I had to make my brother realize this about dad. I was hoping that this day would never come. I was hoping he could always have dad as a superhero in his head. I was hoping that he could go through life trusting dad and not being numb towards him in any way. I hate that he is still getting hurt by him, and hope that this will change soon.

This made me realize that even though I feel fine towards my dad and I love him to death, that I will never trust him like I should be able to. He promised me that once I turned 18 he would get me a car, that didn't happen. He promised me that after I graduated high school he would take me on a cruise to Europe to see where I was born, that didn't happen. He promised me that he would start giving me money once a month, that didn't happen. He's broken so many plans, ditched me when he promised to stay and have fun, and done so many other things to the point that I can't take it personal anymore.

I am going to try to work through these trust issues, and these issues of being numb to "unkept" promises, but I don't think they will ever go away. I've learned to think with my head instead of my heart when it comes to my dad, and in turn probably towards a lot of other people unknowingly.