So, I haven't told anyone this, but my dad lost his job two weeks ago. No this wasn't the other job I talked about in my last entry, he lost that one too a while back. This job was about an hour away from me. He was doing fantastic, and apparently the reason for him getting fired from this job was because the board wants to do a psych evaluation on him to see if he is ok to practice medicine. He was doing so fucking good guys! He had given me control of his money, which surprisingly is not a hassle at all for me, he had been sober for about the 7 months he had been working there, and he even had a nice place on a lake. He looked healthy, and was coming to see me about every other weekend which I loved because it is good to see him doing great. He relapsed the day he got fired. A friend of ours and me have been helping him recover, and lets just say that is a hell of a thing to watch. Merry Christmas to me right?
So he calls me last week and tells me that he got a job offer for 4 months in Afghanistan, and he thinks he is going to take it. I was like "WHAT?! Dad, I don't think that is a good idea. I think you need to get everything squared away here, that way you can practice medicine with no bumps in the road." He was silent for a minute and just said "It's $10,000 a month babe." Who the fuck cares? When did money become the most important thing in the world? How about getting yourself right so you can make something of yourself here? I wish I would have said that to him, but what am I supposed to do? Tell a grown man how to live his life? Act like a parent towards my own father?
He came to visit me that same day. I was making dinner with him and I stopped stirring the home made guacamole I was making, threw the spoon in the sink and said. "Dad, you don't need to go to Afghanistan! You haven't dealt with your PTSD, you're running away from your problems that you need to handle here, and I don't think it's a good idea!" He looked at me and he saw I was on the verge of tears. He simply said "Ok, I don't really want to go anyways. I guess money isn't everything, and you're right, I need to put on my big boy pants and deal with my problems here." Yeah, that's what he told me, but he's still telling people there is a possibility of him going.
So needless to say. I am an emotional wreck. My family is so spread apart, and I won't get to see my brother, mom, or my dad on Christmas. The other day my husband and I put up Christmas decorations in our house. When we were done we turned on the Christmas tree lights, and our little Christmas village lights and turned off the house lights. We sat there looking at them listening to Christmas music, and I just started crying. My husband looked over at me and asked what was wrong. I just looked at him and said "Christmas just isn't the same anymore. I don't get to see any of my family, and it hurts." I get to go and put a happy smile on my face for my husband's family (who I love) but still. My brother and dad are going to be in freaking Texas, or there's that slight possibility that dad will be in Afghanistan, I'll see my mom before Christmas, but not on the day of. I won't wake my brother up out of bed at 3 am so we can get a head start on what is in our stocking. I won't wake up 5 hours later to the smell of coffee cake and the sound of Christmas music going while my mom sings along, I won't go out to my granddaddy's farm and play football with my cousins. I won't do any of the things that were important to me, and on top of that, I get to worry about my dad the entire time. So I've decided to be scrooge this Christmas. BA HUM BUG everybody! Anyone want to join?
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
I haven't posted in a while...
So sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been super busy, and in all honesty avoiding the computer at all cost simply because I don't really know what I want to do with school. I'm leaning towards psychology and possibly being a school counselor, or a counselor who works with special needs children, or a substance abuse counselor... yeah so many choices. It's quite obnoxious.
In the past three months... dad got a job about 2 hours from where I live, I quit my schooling for special education due to not wanting to deal with the politics of education over my students, I finally got a honeymoon with my husband to the Bahamas WOO, and I've continued my awesome therapy sessions.
I've been super worried that my dad won't keep this job because he already doesn't seem happy with it. I don't think he'll ever be happy wherever he goes. I discussed this with my therapist and we came to the conclusion that it comes from his PTSD. Let me backtrack a little bit; my dad was staying with my husband and me because he didn't have anywhere else to go. It was only for 2 weeks, but that was definitely long enough. My dad and I worked together applying him for jobs and getting him back on track. One night we went to Burger King and this lady who worked there was cleaning the tables. She dropped something and it made a really loud noise. My dad closed his eyes and cringed. "You ok?" I asked. He opened his eyes and simply said "loud noises." We continued eating our meal then went home. I talked to him a little bit that night and I told him that I think he subconsciously screws things up for himself because he doesn't think he deserves it. I told him that he does deserve a good job and deserves to be happy. He said, "You're exactly right. I have to keep a job to prove to you that I can do good for myself, and I can do good for you." "Don't do it for me dad, do it for you, then you can worry about me."
So, back to how my therapist and I came to the conclusion of dad's major issues all coming from PTSD. I told him this story, and told him how dad seems to never be happy in one place. I told him I think it's the Army's fault because he was used to getting moved from the states to Afghanistan and Iraq. He was never stateside for more than 6 months, and when he was he was getting ready for another deployment. The deployments lasted 16 to 18 months, but you are always on the move when you're deployed. My therapist said that my dad is probably more comfortable on the move because that's what he got used to. Not to mention, whenever you feel safe over there, you are usually not, so once you start to feel cozy and warm, you start to freak out a little.
I have a friend who is in the Army. We talk a lot, and he has told me over and over again that he expects to die in the line of duty, and that if he doesn't, he will feel like he didn't amount to anything, and didn't accomplish his job. He also told me that he feels like a piece of shit when he's stateside. I asked him if he thinks the Army has brainwashed him to think that way, and he said no. I said..."you seriously don't think that the Army has made you alienate yourself away from people to be prepared to die? You really don't believe they changed your way of thinking?" he didn't respond.
Anyways, the point of this not very well put together blog entry, was to catch you up a little bit and kind of give you an understanding of what I've learned about my father and many other veterans in our country. There is a reason why each and every one of these veterans act the way they do. For the time they were in war, they had to survive, and they stay in that state of mind even after they get home and out of the war zones. If there was a way we could help these people that would be great, like maybe mandatory therapy, or something. But the military doesn't care enough to make them go. They think that their Soldiers, Marines, Airmen, Seamen, and every other serviceman can handle anything when a lot of them are just like you and me. Ok, end rant...
In the past three months... dad got a job about 2 hours from where I live, I quit my schooling for special education due to not wanting to deal with the politics of education over my students, I finally got a honeymoon with my husband to the Bahamas WOO, and I've continued my awesome therapy sessions.
I've been super worried that my dad won't keep this job because he already doesn't seem happy with it. I don't think he'll ever be happy wherever he goes. I discussed this with my therapist and we came to the conclusion that it comes from his PTSD. Let me backtrack a little bit; my dad was staying with my husband and me because he didn't have anywhere else to go. It was only for 2 weeks, but that was definitely long enough. My dad and I worked together applying him for jobs and getting him back on track. One night we went to Burger King and this lady who worked there was cleaning the tables. She dropped something and it made a really loud noise. My dad closed his eyes and cringed. "You ok?" I asked. He opened his eyes and simply said "loud noises." We continued eating our meal then went home. I talked to him a little bit that night and I told him that I think he subconsciously screws things up for himself because he doesn't think he deserves it. I told him that he does deserve a good job and deserves to be happy. He said, "You're exactly right. I have to keep a job to prove to you that I can do good for myself, and I can do good for you." "Don't do it for me dad, do it for you, then you can worry about me."
So, back to how my therapist and I came to the conclusion of dad's major issues all coming from PTSD. I told him this story, and told him how dad seems to never be happy in one place. I told him I think it's the Army's fault because he was used to getting moved from the states to Afghanistan and Iraq. He was never stateside for more than 6 months, and when he was he was getting ready for another deployment. The deployments lasted 16 to 18 months, but you are always on the move when you're deployed. My therapist said that my dad is probably more comfortable on the move because that's what he got used to. Not to mention, whenever you feel safe over there, you are usually not, so once you start to feel cozy and warm, you start to freak out a little.
I have a friend who is in the Army. We talk a lot, and he has told me over and over again that he expects to die in the line of duty, and that if he doesn't, he will feel like he didn't amount to anything, and didn't accomplish his job. He also told me that he feels like a piece of shit when he's stateside. I asked him if he thinks the Army has brainwashed him to think that way, and he said no. I said..."you seriously don't think that the Army has made you alienate yourself away from people to be prepared to die? You really don't believe they changed your way of thinking?" he didn't respond.
Anyways, the point of this not very well put together blog entry, was to catch you up a little bit and kind of give you an understanding of what I've learned about my father and many other veterans in our country. There is a reason why each and every one of these veterans act the way they do. For the time they were in war, they had to survive, and they stay in that state of mind even after they get home and out of the war zones. If there was a way we could help these people that would be great, like maybe mandatory therapy, or something. But the military doesn't care enough to make them go. They think that their Soldiers, Marines, Airmen, Seamen, and every other serviceman can handle anything when a lot of them are just like you and me. Ok, end rant...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)