Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Selfish

I don't know why I try to make dad rethink going back to Texas, if I learned that I had to move back to Arkansas, I would go back in a heartbeat and not think twice about it, hell I would be jumping for joy. I would definitely miss my friends and family here, but I loved my life in Arkansas, and I was so far away from all of my problems there that I rarely thought about them.

Sometimes I'm so selfish without meaning to be. I have to look at this from my father's point of view. My dad's miserable in my hometown, he hates getting constantly reminded of his screw ups, he hates getting constantly reminded of his ex wife who he claims to be in love with still even though he was in a relationship before he was even divorced, and he hates having to rely on other people for money, food, and shelter. Just like me in Arkansas, dad had a life in Texas, and he was happy there. It is far enough away from his problems that he rarely thought about them.

I love having my father at my every beckoning call, and I love being able to physically see him, but I have to think about what is best for him, and what is best for him is him going back to Texas and starting a new life.  I will definitely miss my father, and I will miss being able to see him, but I have decided that if he gets this job in Texas, I will shed a tear or two watching him drive away out of my life again, but I will do it with a smile on my face and try to be the proudest daughter a daughter can be.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Wait! I take it all back!

My dad's got job interviews in Texas and it's looking really good. It's really hurting my feelings that he wants to live that far away again. I understand that he doesn't want to be in my home town, but why Texas?! That's at least 15 hours away. I know I've been complaining about him being back, but in all honesty I'm going to miss him if he gets this job in Texas. It's been nice to be able to see him whenever I feel like going down to my home town.

Dad didn't relapse the other day. I don't really know where he disappeared to, but I know he didn't relapse. I found out when my dad got back from Texas that he was diagnosed with PTSD which has really messed with him. I'd be surprised if he DIDN'T have PTSD. When he was in Afghanistan he lost a close friend and where he was, got shot at daily. If you have netflix, look up the movie called Restrepo. This is where my dad was, it was horrible living conditions and horrible battles between them and the Afghans. No wonder dad can't sleep.

I wish my dad could get a job up here where I live now. That way he could be close to me and still be away from drugs. I'm not saying that Texas wouldn't be good for him, but I want to be selfish for a little while. I want my daddy here. I take back everything I said about him ruining my life by coming back to my home town. I just want my dad to be close to me at my every beckoning call. I want to be able to see my dad without having to travel 15 + hours. I want him physically in my life, not technologically in my life. Skype is amazing, but there's nothing like my dad physically holding me in his arms, there's nothing like being able to say "hey let's hang out this weekend." I haven't been able to do that in years, and it's felt really really good. Now that dad has a cell phone I don't worry about him as much because he actually calls me and I call him. He hasn't not answered once since he got it. So as I said before, I take it all back! I just want my dad near me. ::Holds head in hands::

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Dad showed up today

Well I got a call from my dad's friend and she said that he showed up at my Grandma's house late last night. My Grandma got up and saw him sleeping in his car and got him to come inside.

I really hope my dad hasn't burned any bridges with his friends or mom. This particular friend has given him a place to stay, given him classes to get a good job, and has a job lined up for him once he finishes the classes. Grandma has paid his bills for him, has given him money to pay for his classes, has fed him, and has clothed him.

Yesterday my husband told me that if my dad had relapsed the deal is off for him staying here. I don't know if dad did relapse or not. I don't know if I want to know. I always assume he has relapsed when he goes missing for at least 24 hours, but I was wrong about that last time so who knows.

My husband asked me yesterday how my dad could be so selfish and I shed a tear. I then told him he's not in the right frame of mind. After that my dad's friend called me and asked me if I knew anywhere dad could be and I told her to look a few places. He wasn't there. After I got off the phone with her I started crying. The hubs came in and hugged me which made me lose it even more. I then spent hours crying after that.

We finally went to bed and had a heart to heart. One thing that really made me cry was him saying "I wish your dad would get hit by a truck so he could feel an ounce of pain that he makes you feel. I'm so tired of seeing him hurt you, and I just want to kill him sometimes. I don't understand how someone can hurt you over and over again. You're such a forgiving and good person." I replied with "I wish I wasn't because it leaves you out in the open to get hurt over and over again."

I called my brother and told him he finally showed up at Grandma's because we were about to call the cops and send out a missing persons report. He said "fuck him I'm not letting him make me feel bad anymore for not spending enough time with him." Yesterday he also said "Dad will call you first because he loves you more than me." I said "no he doesn't! He loves you just as much as me." He said "you know that's not true." What are you supposed to say to that?! Now that I think about it I think dad does love me more. At least he talks to me more. I hate that. He should love my brother the same as me, but I don't think he does. I really hope my brother isn't jealous of mine and dad's relationship because I love my brother more than life.

UGH! THERE ARE SO MANY FUCKING PROBLEMS THAT I DON'T FEEL LIKE DEALING WITH RIGHT NOW! FUCK THIS!

Monday, May 23, 2011

Welp I almost thought my dad could do it...

I knew this would happen. My dad's been in my home town for about a week and some change. We actually had a great weekend together, we hung out every day this past weekend. Saturday I was kind of worried about him because he didn't call me when he was supposed to, and had me, Grandma, and his friends worrying about him but he finally called me and we hung out. Saturday night he spent the night over at my father in law's house with me and my husband. Sunday we went and ate with Grandma then went to the mall, then went to look at puppies at a friends house. We ate dinner and he left shortly after I left to go back to where I live now.

He was supposed to go straight to his friend's house and spend the night. I just got a call from her and she said he never showed up. I'm not saying that I didn't expect this to happen cause hell, it basically happened 7 months ago on my birthday. I just can't help but think the worst like he relapsed and is in a ditch dead somewhere because of an overdose.

I'm really surprised because I've only shed one single tear since I started writing this and that was only because my husband interrupted me and asked "Does your dad not think of anyone but himself?".

I started to cry and one single tear came down. Then I thought about it and stated "In my home town my dad is not in the right frame of mind. He now thinks of mom everywhere he goes in that town and gets depressed. Dad thinks of how he's screwed up so much in the past and is reminded of everyone he hurt. He gets into that slump and yes, get's very selfish."

Maybe I'm just tired of crying, I had a great coffee date with my two good friends Saturday and shed many tears talking about all of this stuff. I also had a good hour cry yesterday when I told my mother in law how much I appreciated the way they accepted my father and my family. I told them I was eternally grateful for everything they've done for me and him.

Never mind, tears are welling up as I type. I'm very hurt right now this blog entry has helped me a little bit, but if it seems out of order and doesn't make sense it's probably because I'm tired of being hurt and am hurting so much I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I kind of wish dad was in Texas still. By coming here he's fucked up my life. I was beginning to feel happy in the place I live. Now I get calls from people wondering if I've heard from him because he was supposed to be with them. When he was in Texas I was able to get into contact with him every day, and he wasn't my problem. Now he's a huge problem.

I really wish I could just say fuck him, he's not worth the time of day. I wish it was that easy, but it's not. I wish I was a t total bitch and didn't care about anyone. I wish I had the coldest heart of anyone in the entire world. I wish I could never get hurt by anyone. I wish my heart was in a steel box with no key instead of out in the open there for everyone to rip, stomp on, or crush over and over again. I hate this shit. I hate being able to feel.

Friday, May 13, 2011

"Your brother's physically ill."

Well, my dad's coming to my hometown for good or something like that. He's trying to get a job, and it will be easier for him to get a Georgia license more than a Texas license. I've kind of been begging him to stay with me because I really do not want him in the town where he has connections to drugs. He is never in the right frame of mind when he's there, kind of like I'm not.

I've been keeping my mom and brother up to date on where dad is on his journey from Texas to Georgia, and when I was on the phone with my mom she said my brother is physically ill and has been since he found out dad was moving back. This brought tears to my eyes. I realized that my brother does feel very strongly about everything with dad, he just deals with it completely different, but he's hurt just as much as I am. I kind of wanted to believe that he was oblivious to everything, or didn't care. I wanted to believe that he was too young to remember or know everything that went on when dad started with drugs, but he wasn't, and he's not.

It's kind of like God has been intervening with dad making it to Georgia. He was supposed to be in my hometown Tuesday, but the people didn't inspect his apartment til late that day so he didn't leave til Wednesday. Wednesday he got caught in a hail storm not even an hour away from where he lived in Texas and also got a nail in his tire. He had to get a room and stay there over night. Thursday he left that place and probably got rerouted because of all the flooding that happened, and today there have been no problems that i know of so he should be in my hometown this afternoon. My brother learned about all of this stuff, looked at my mom and said "divine intervention?"

I don't know if I can handle this. As my friend said, "You can't be your dad's babysitter." I can't and I know that, but I can at least get him an hour and a half away from where he doesn't need to be. There's a hospital here, and so many little doctor's offices he could work in. My greatest hope and wish for my father is for him to be doing the job he loves and to be healthy physically and mentally. I want to see him smile and laugh again. I want to see him feel like he's worth something again. My dad has screwed up in the past but he doesn't deserve to be homeless, jobless, and depressed. In fact it scares me when he's like this because him feeling like this makes him look for something to mask it, and we all know what that is.

It's so scarey how I actually understand why he goes looking for things to make him feel better, because they do make you feel better. No they don't fix the problem, and no you don't feel good from them forever, but for a little while you forget your pain. You forget why you went looking for that little thing that makes you feel on top of the world. You just sit back go to a place made up in your head that's almost like heaven, close yout eyes, and smile...

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Mother's day

This past Sunday was mother's day and I was just thinking about everything my mother did for me through the years. My mother is such a strong woman. She had to raise my brother and me alone through my teenage years and my brother's teenage years.

I think I honestly took her for granted. I expected her to be there for me at every beckoning call. I expected her to give me everything I wanted and needed. I didn't thank her for every meal she put on the table for me. I didn't thank her for letting me crawl into her lap even at 20 years old to cry and feel loved. I didn't thank her for never showing me her weak points when dad was away. My mom was forced to be a single parent and did a fantastic job.

I look at so many of my friends and family and see that they have no respect for their mothers. Some of them have good reasons to not respect their moms, but others have really taken them for granted like I did. The ones who have a very good reason to not respect their mom make me even worse for taking my saint of a mother for granted. My "old best friend" was so rude to his mom. I could not believe he treated his mom the way he did. He would say things to his mother that I would have gotten slapped into next week for saying.

Sometimes I think about writing my mom a long 50 page letter thanking her for everything she's done and telling her I'm truly sorry for even once acting like a spoiled brat and expecting everything from her. I don't think this would be enough. I don't think buying my mother the entire universe would be enough. So, for mother's day I got her a hibiscus plant that she could plant in her new back yard and think of me every time she sees it. Seems silly now.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

"I want your husband to know the man I was before."

I wish I had a recorder running when my dad called me just a few minutes ago. I'm still wiping off tears. I don't know what got into him, but he had talked to mom for a good hour and a half apparently and apologized for everything he did to her, all the hell he put her through, and for him breaking her apart.

He called me right after and said "I told your mother I am truly sorry, and I want you to know I am working on getting back to the daddy you had when I was still just a nurse. I don't know what happened in P.A. school, but I changed, and I haven't been the same since. I want your husband to know the man I was before, and I'm going to show him. " He called me on skype so of course I was holding back the tears so he couldn't see them. "I love you baby girl and you let me know you love me every day by calling me. I just want to let you know I'm working on myself and getting back to the place I was before." We hung up and I automatically bursted into tears. Thank God my husbands asleep because he'd probably think I was dying. This is something I haven't heard before, this isn't one of those "I'll get better I promise" things, this is a "I'm ready to truly be myself again, and I'm going to work on it starting now" things.

It's almost like my dad's been reading my blog or something. He knows that one of the worst things I have to deal with is my husband not knowing him and not respecting him because of what he's done. I don't know, my mother and I did talk about how my husband and his family don't truly know my father not even a week ago so she could have mentioned it to him.


No one knows how good it would be to have my dad back. I haven't seen or talked to MY dad in about 6 years.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

My old best friend

I was thinking a lot about my old best friend today and how badly I want to see and talk to him again. I kind of stopped talking to him around the time my dad started crack. He probably thinks it's because I started dating my husband and was stuck up his butt.

I'm going to give a little bit of back story. This guy was my best friend for years probably since we were in 6th grade. I use to be a huge Christian, and he finally came out of the closet to me probably in 8th or 9th grade. I kept reciting scripture from the bible where it says being gay is wrong. I tried to make him straight...doesn't that sound horrible?! I am so not like that now. Shit I could even be bi man. Girls are beautiful creatures.

Once I started dating my now husband was when dad started his drug experimenting. I don't know if my friend didn't like my husband, or if he was jealous of him. My friend and I did spend a lot of time together, and it was like we were joined at the hip, so there's no telling. All of a sudden my friend was being mean to me, and rude to my husband, so my husband was rude back. Let me get something straight, my husband doesn't have a problem with anyone until they give him a reason to have a problem with them. He doesn't care if you're gay, straight, black, white, a cross dresser, or whatever. If you're rude to him he's going to be rude back. My friend started getting rude to both of us and I have no idea why. I think that my friend thought my husband didn't like him because he was gay which was so far from the truth it's not even funny he didn't like him because he was being a dick to me and him.


I did start pushing my friend away just as I pushed everyone away because of my dad. I'm pretty sure they all thought is was because of my husband, but it wasn't. I didn't want to have to tell all of them exactly what was going on in my life, hell it took a lot for me to start this blog and tell one single best friend that I was starting it. Back then I found it easier to not talk to anyone. My husband knew everything because he was the only one I could open up to.

The other night I was sitting in the bathtub playing a scenario in my head. I talk to myself a lot and act like the person I need to talk to is there. I pretended we were at a table talking and this is what I said... "I want to be friends like we were before. I'm so sorry for pushing you away, but you are not innocent in this either." At this point I started crying. "I miss you so much and I think about what we used to have and how I just kind of threw it away. I also know that you were going through a hard time and left you high and dry and I'm so sorry for that."

Then I thought about telling him about this blog. I don't know if he would care. I don't even know this guy anymore. We're friends on facebook but I haven't actually seen him since we graduated 3 years ago... and the last time I talked to him he wasn't exactly the nicest guy in the world. I don't think he would want to fix things. I'm pretty sure he's moved on with his life and I'm just an old friend who he's lost contact with. I miss him so much though. I wish he would respond to me on facebook and tell me that he wants to get together too, but he hasn't and probably won't. I just have to deal with that. I guess sometimes you just have to let people go.