Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Mom's letter

Ok, so if you haven't cried from earlier post, go grab some tissues. I received this 6 page letter from my mom yesterday and I'm going to type it all out.

     "Hey baby girl! I know you aren't used to getting letters from me but between the journaling I started as my devotional back in June and the fact that a letter is the only way to communicate with your brother these days, I'm finding writing to be a good thing.
     My thoughts are with you today. Your dad and Ma would have gotten to your house last night and today you will all be together and preparing for tomorrow's big shin dig. I hope and pray that you have a wonderful time! Good luck remembering everyone! :)
     Now that my house is empty, except for crazy cats, I seem to have a lot of time for reflection. God has been strongly urging me to make sure those that I love know exactly where they stand in my life. I think that I'm beginning to heal! Sometimes it feels like I've just taken a final step out of a very dense fog. The fog was extremely debilitating and oppressive. Over the last...I don't know...probably 5 or 6 years I have been struggling to find my way through it. In the process I've let some of the people and things that are most important to me slip past. As much as I've wanted to be there for my friends, parents, and most importantly my children, I don't think I have succeeded. From this side of the fog I find myself living with the reality of the situation; You and Josh were and are living in that same oppressive fog. Oh baby girl, I'm so very sorry if I left you to find your way alone! I am so glad that you found your husband to anchor you during the storm of crap we found ourselves in. I'm grateful that you have a man who loves you and will stand beside you as support or in front of you as protection. You're a very lucky young lady! He's a pretty lucky man too!
    Now in case you haven't gotten the tissues you may want to at this time. Chances are that I'm going to start leaking so I'm pretty sure you will too.
    When I found out I was pregnant with you I was so excited! I may have only been 20, but I knew that I wanted to be a mom and wife more than anything in the world. You became the center of my world from that moment on! Pregnancy was not fun for me, I wasn't sick but I got REALLY fat and couldn't do a lot of the things I was use to doing. But as soon as you were born everything was perfect! You were so tiny and so helpless and so precious. I had no idea how much I could love another human being until God gave you to me and your dad. I never looked back. You became my focus and first thought in every decision I made from that moment on...even today I take into account how any action I take is going to affect you.
    Looking back it appears that it wasn't a one sided thing. You required me! Noone but your mom would do when it came time to eat (mostly because I was the one with the milk), or go to sleep (I had the hair to hold). It was exhausting at times but I never regretted it. Your dad was gone a lot. Field exercises and then war kept him away from us a lot. It was rough! But we made it through and your dad came home to us and we were a family again. Your dad and I almost split up back then, as you know. Families have growing pains. Adjustments have to be made and priorities have to be set. It's not easy! Of course, I got pregnant again! Even though things were a little strained with your dad I was excited about another baby. You were too when I found out I was pregnant. You were a handful at 2! You were defiant, into everything, and so adorable that I just wanted to squeeze you! Pregnancy made me tired and keeping up with you added to my exhaustion but it was okay and definitely worth it.
    By the time your brother was born you had become a tyrant! You fought sleep (as you always had), you pitched amazing fits that I had to ignore in order to take care of a new baby, but you still loved me and needed me. You were still my heart and priority. I had to split myself between you and your brother but God makes it so that love is added to a mom's heart when a baby is born so I still had all my love for you and all my love for your brother on top of it. I truly LOVED being a mom!
    As you grew up you were wonderful! You wanted to please your parents so much. You did everything to the best of your ability and made me a very proud mom and your dad a very proud dad. You never pushed us on anything, always staying within the boundaries set for you. When problems arose we discussed them with a minor amount of upheaval. You were and still are a daughter that anyone would dream of having! I did nothing more than love you with all of my heart and you were as close to perfect as a child could be! That may sound like a load of biased bull, but it isn't! You were and are an absolutely wonderful person!
    As high school started for you, Josh began to get into trouble. Knowing you to be the person you are and that I really didn't have to worry about your decision making my focus went to your brother and trying to figure out how to deal with some issues that were beyond anything I've ever dealt with. I left you to fend for yourself. I'm sorry. I did the best I could but I know I left you on your own and made demands on you at that time that were unfair.
     Little did I know, but my marriage was falling apart at this time too. My daughter was struggling with the pressures of high school and trying to find her way to becoming an adult, my son was having major problems with sex issues that I had no clue how to address and my husband had checked out leaving all of it in my lap.You got a job, doing your part to help out. You seldom complained to me about it but I'm sure you cried to your husband often. I can look back now and recognize the fragility of your emotions. You walked such a fine line between survival and complete breakdown. I know because I was walking my own tightrope.
    Good things came from that time. You and your brother and I became quite a unit. We were strong together. We were strong for each other. What I didn't know until later was how alone each of us felt.
    You graduated and got married and moved away within a very short period of time. I was scared for you. I worried that you were rushing things in order to separate yourself from the mess your family had become. I felt like such an utter failure. I had failed to be enough for my husband so he chose drugs. I had failed to be there for my daughter or make decisions that would protect her from the nastiness of addiction. I had failed to teach my son the importance of respecting himself and girls enough to have a relationship deeper than sexual desire with them. I had failed at the thing I had always considered my most important job...being a mom.
    Three years have passed. I have made many changes. It has been painfully difficult and exhausting but I know that as hard as it has been and as against every belief I've ever had it was to divorce your dad, I have done the right thing. You and your brother have been great during all the upheaval. You have loved me and supported me and understood what I was doing but more importantly why I was doing it. Thank you!
    I can't change the mistakes I've made over the years when it came to being your mom. I can tell you I did the best I could and that my love for you was just as strong when our world was falling apart as it was the first time I held you. I am very proud of the woman you are. In spite of the obstacles that life threw in your path you have all the qualities and abilities required to be a wonderful wife, fabulous mother and fantastic teacher. I know you are still dealing with things from our family issues. Knowing you are dealing with them shows once again what a strong person you are. Recognizing a problem is the easy part; taking care of it is where the difficulty lies.
    As I close (aren't you happy to hear the end is coming) I want you to know that I am happy! I actually had an old friend who hadn't seen me in a while tell me that I looked happy yesterday. It's a wonderful thing when the outside world recognizes the peace that is flowing through a person. I have that peace. Part of that is due to the knowledge that my baby girl is who she is, where she is, and with who she's with. You make me smile! Just the thought of you brings joy to my heart and I think about you often.
    Know that as this day goes on and turns into weeks, months and even years, you will always be a priority in my life. Yes, it is different from when you were a baby or even a teenager but it is still a fact. I've moved to another stage in my life where both of my children are self sufficient adults. It's a very different place! But It's a very good place!
    I love you! You are everything that a mother could ask for in a daughter and so much more! I'm awfully lucky to be able to say that you are mine!
                                                                           Love always!
                                                                                     Mom
P.S. Sorry so long, but I did have 22 years to cover! :)"


You know, I never thought of my mom as neglecting me, and I hate that she thinks she failed as a parent during that horrible time in our lives! I have no hard feelings toward her whatsoever! I will write more on this at another time. I felt like I needed to share this though.


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