Tuesday, August 23, 2011

"I take everything he says with a grain of salt."

So my brother called me a few hours ago and said, "I need to talk to you." I was like, "ok", you know one of those "oh shit what did I do oks".

So he tells me that dad had come over to the house and apparently talked to mom a lot about multiple things including how he's still not making enough money to pay her and he's not going to make enough money to support my brother until he goes off to the Navy. 

Let me back up some. My dad recently just got back on his feet with a job and told my brother that he would pay him weekly to help him in the yard and house fixing it up for people to rent. So my brother puts his 2 weeks notice in at work and 2 weeks go by so he quits. He finds out that dad doesn't have the money to pay him so frantically calls his boss back who luckily gives him his job back.

So he calls me and says..."I can't believe that he wasn't going to tell me he couldn't pay me! He's such a fucking ass, why couldn't he tell me this? He was just going to keep giving me false hope! I had to hear from mom that he couldn't pay me, he couldn't even confront me about it! What the fuck man. I'm so pissed I'm crying!" I listened to his ranting and raving until he was done and calmed down a little bit and said "dad is prideful, and dad hates seeing disappointment in our eyes because he has disappointed us for the majority of our lives. He is horrible at confrontation and doesn't want to admit to his children that he has failed at something once again. He promises things with the intent of doing them, but they rarely happen. I can count on one hand how many of the 500,000 things he has promised me have actually happened. I hate to say this, but you have to take what he says with a grain of salt. Don't take this personally because he doesn't mean it that way. Just love him and know that he really does want to do the things he has promised, but they probably won't happen, even though he truly does want them to happen. You should have seen the look on his face when I told him I was going to therapy."That calmed him down even more, and got him to understand how dad thinks and feels a little more. He said he was going to start taking things with a grain of salt now and that he couldn't wait to go the fuck away and join the Navy so he could help mom and himself.

I hated that I had to make my brother realize this about dad. I was hoping that this day would never come. I was hoping he could always have dad as a superhero in his head. I was hoping that he could go through life trusting dad and not being numb towards him in any way. I hate that he is still getting hurt by him, and hope that this will change soon.

This made me realize that even though I feel fine towards my dad and I love him to death, that I will never trust him like I should be able to. He promised me that once I turned 18 he would get me a car, that didn't happen. He promised me that after I graduated high school he would take me on a cruise to Europe to see where I was born, that didn't happen. He promised me that he would start giving me money once a month, that didn't happen. He's broken so many plans, ditched me when he promised to stay and have fun, and done so many other things to the point that I can't take it personal anymore.

I am going to try to work through these trust issues, and these issues of being numb to "unkept" promises, but I don't think they will ever go away. I've learned to think with my head instead of my heart when it comes to my dad, and in turn probably towards a lot of other people unknowingly.

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