Shy

You know, I'm not a very confrontational person. I'm very shy until you get to know me, I'm very sympathetic and empathetic when the situation calls for it, and I like to think that I'm a good person. I'm not a negative person at all and I don't think I truly hate anything, well except for yams. YUCK! I give everything a chance before I say something negative about it, and sometimes I feel like I think with my heart too much. When I go out to stores by myself I usually try to look like I'm angry so people won't talk to me. My first instinct has always been to push people away and not let anyone know how I was feeling.

I really don't know where this shy attitude came from. When I was in kindergarten I remember crying every day when my mommy left me at school for the day, then in first grade I remember my mother dragging me down the alley that lead me to school with me kicking and crying because of how much I hated leaving her. My mom finally home schooled me the rest of my first grade year and put me in a different school when I became a second grader and even then I would get tears in my eyes when my mom left me at that school. So long story short, since I can remember I've been shy and kind of a loaner.

I've always had a few great friends and acquaintances and I never had any trouble getting a boyfriend. I didn't really have a different life than any other "normal" person until all the crap with my dad happened, but we already know about that.

I think that since the drug addiction happened with my dad, I have kind of become numb and I don't really know how to let people in. Lately I don't really like physical love, as in hugs and kisses, I don't really even like it that much from my husband which is weird. For some reason though I've been pushing hard not to be loved or feel loved by anyone and I don't really know why. I really feel numb right now and that's the best way I can describe it. I feel like I could be alone with no friends or family and be happy which is so not normal. I wish I could get to the bottom of all of my problems, I have no idea whats going on inside of this head of mine.