Let me get something straight, my father is a great man. I love him with all of my heart, and he loves me with all of his heart. When I was about 15 my world started falling apart. I noticed that dad was getting home really late, or simply not coming home at all. I noticed he was always cranky and just "not all there" when we were talking to him. I thought that he was cheating on mom.
One night when he didn't come home I wrote a note to him on a sticky note. I remember shaking uncontrollably with anger and heartache as I wrote the words "Dad, why are you coming home so late? Are you having an affair? You're not the same and I miss having you here. Please stop this now. You're ruining this family!" I stuck the note on the door and went to bed.
After crying myself to sleep I remember getting woken up by my dad. He had tears in his eyes and he was holding the note in his hands. He simply said "Baby girl, I'm not cheating on mom." He didn't tell me exactly what he was doing but he said he was going to fix it. He didn't fix it, and I continually got mad at him for not being there.
On Christmas day I woke up to mom crying and noticed that dad wasn't around. I hugged her and asked her what was going on. She sat me down and said "Your dad isn't having an affair...he's addicted to crack." I was in a state of shock. I couldn't believe my super hero dad could stoop to such a low level. He was my everything! How in the hell could he do this. My mom told my brother the same thing. I don't think he fully understood what was going on. He just knew that dad was doing something bad and not where he should be. That was a hell of a Christmas present huh?
Dad finally showed up later looking like a dog with his tail between his legs. I didn't even want to look at him. I didn't want anything to do with him. I hated him!
My memories a little foggy but I think I was dating my now husband at this time. I remember getting out of the house at all possible times to hang out with him. I forgot everything when I was with him. I pushed everyone away but him. I clung to him so I could feel better. When I had to leave to go home I immediately got into my state of depression.
My dad and I shared a car, and now that he had lost his job he pretty much just let me have it. Unless he said he needed to use it for some good reason, which all the good reasons were a lie to go and get high. Every night I had the same routine. I had to go out in the garage with my mom and check for crack pipes. We would always find some. I hated seeing those pens with a filter in them black from smoke. I actually started hiding all of the pens in the house thinking that would stop dad from doing crack anymore. Looking back now it was stupid. I would drive to school, put on a smile for my friends and teachers, thank God that my boyfriend was there to make me forget things, then go and hang out with him after school.
My parents started noticing that I was spending a lot of time with my boyfriend, and told me to get a job. I got my first job, and it actually helped me forget things as well, but I would always see my boyfriend after work. They knew I was usually the one to close so I would usually be home after 10:30.
My dad went into rehab. It was a voluntary rehab center put together by churches, and while he was in rehab he decided he needed to join the army again. I was thrilled. The army would keep him away from drugs, and we wouldn't lose our house from foreclosure.
I'll continue this story tomorrow, but you definitely know a lot more about me now. I'm not that great of a writer, but this is like my therapy... I need to get this all out in the open.
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