I told dad I'm going to therapy.

So, I told my dad today that I'm starting therapy next month. He looked at me and said "I'm sorry, I know it's cause of me." I said "it's not just you, but yes, that is why I started searching for a therapist in the first place. I get angry a lot and have a lot of trust issues because of what you did and I need to work through them in order to get myself better and healed."

For once I wasn't scared to say something to his face, I wasn't scared I was going to hurt his feelings, I wasn't scared that he would crumble to the floor in little pieces. Why was I so afraid to talk to him about this? Why was I so scared that he would hate me? Why did I feel like he would do anything other than apologize?

I think because of all the years I watched my father be so emotionally unstable and so mentally warped, I thought that he would go back to that state of mind. My father's sober now, and drugs were the only reason he acted like that. I really need to get that into my head. I need to get used to this new person in my life. I need to get used to the fact that after a few years or so, I may have my old dad back. I may actually get exactly what I have wanted all of these years.

Wow...things are looking up.

Psychologist appt

Well, I finally got up the nerve to make an appointment with a Psychologist. I'm still shaking from talking to the receptionist about making an appointment. I hope this helps my healing process. I hope that this gets everything sorted out inside of me. My friend said that she's really excited for me and thinks that this will go great!

It's really hard for me to talk about my feelings to people, and I know it's going to be even harder for me to talk to someone I don't know at all. Hopefully this lady will be a great match for me.

I told my mother what I was doing, and she told me that the person she went to really helped her. She asked me what was wrong and I told her I just get angry and sad sometimes and I'm tired of it. I told her I was ok, but I'm just tired of having breakdowns. I told her my brother needs therapy too and she said she knew and is hoping the Navy will help with that.

I have news for her, the Navy is just going to make him push down his feelings. "Men aren't supposed to feel, men are supposed to be strong and have everything handled." I only know this because of the difference between my husband before the Air Force, and after the Air Force. He came back a brain washed zombie when he came home from basic. He acted differently towards everyone. He still isn't the same to this day, he's gotten a lot closer to being the old guy I used to know, but has a little ways to go. I pray that the Navy won't change my brother. I hope it makes him independent and a little more grown up, but I don't want to see him brainwashed.

Daddy got a job not far away from my home town.

So, my dad got a job, and he informed me that it's close enough to my hometown that he will be staying in my old house. ::holds head in hands:: I told him straight up I don't know if that's such a good idea, but he told me he's not talking to any old friends, he's going to be worried about getting the house back up to par, he's going to worry about his new job, and that he's going to be ok.

I think that he is strong enough to do this right now, but I don't know for how long. I don't know if this will last. "Lord give me the strength to trust my father, give me the strength to trust in you. Remind me that you know what is best for people. Lord give me inner peace, and make everything ok inside of me. Give me the strength to give this entire problem to you. In Jesus name I pray. Amen."

::blows up at husband:: Oh wait! I'm just mad at my father.

So, my husband took me out to eat tonight, and I haven't been in the best mood for the past week. I love this place that we went to and wanted to get something a bit pricey. My husband complained about the price and I blew up on him. He was like, "you can get that if you want it, I was just saying it was pricey." I angrily ordered something else and whenever the food came I came to a huge realization. I wasn't mad at my husband, I was mad at my father.

I'll back up a little bit. My father has been searching for jobs and has gotten job offers in Georgia, Texas, Missouri, and Kansas. I've really enjoyed being able to see him as much as possible since he's so close to where I live. The other day I was talking to him on the phone and he told me that he would most likely take the job in Texas. I paused, and told him I would miss him very much. He said "don't worry I'll fly you out there."  We hung up, and I played the entire conversation through my head. This time though, I added every little word I wanted to say. "Dad, you never flew me out to see you before when you had money, what would be so different now? Dad, you always make promises you can't keep. What happened to that trip to Europe you were supposed to take me on when I graduated high school? What happened to that car you were going to buy me when I graduated? Dad, why don't you want to be near me? Dad, why can't you just stay somewhere near Georgia, it doesn't even have to be in Georgia, just somewhere closer than freaking Texas? Why are you so happy and ready to be away from me again? Dad, I will never see you except for MAYBE on holidays if you move to Texas. I understood you had to live in Texas before because of the military, but now you have a choice, and once again your being selfish. You want to go and live with your girlfriend, who by the way I can't fucking stand. Thanks, and bye."

That would have crushed him. So I told my husband sorry, told him every little reason I'm mad at my dad right now, and he understood. I don't think I will EVER forgive my dad if he stresses me out to the point of me constantly being mean to my husband and in the end getting a divorce. Yes I feel I can blame that on him. I feel I can blame everything that goes array in my life on him. Right now I feel pissed at the world just because I'm pissed at my father.I have so much anger and hurt inside of me that is just waiting to come out. When it does, I hope the only person that gets hurt by it is my father. Emotionally, not physically. I think he deserves to feel a little bit of what he's done to me.

The other part of me knows that he regrets everything, but it's hard to realize that when he still decides on things that benefit him and only him when he has a fucking family who loves him and wants to be a part of his life. I'm shaking with anger now, so I think I should stop typing. I'm tired of being angry.