So, my husband took me out to eat tonight, and I haven't been in the best mood for the past week. I love this place that we went to and wanted to get something a bit pricey. My husband complained about the price and I blew up on him. He was like, "you can get that if you want it, I was just saying it was pricey." I angrily ordered something else and whenever the food came I came to a huge realization. I wasn't mad at my husband, I was mad at my father.
I'll back up a little bit. My father has been searching for jobs and has gotten job offers in Georgia, Texas, Missouri, and Kansas. I've really enjoyed being able to see him as much as possible since he's so close to where I live. The other day I was talking to him on the phone and he told me that he would most likely take the job in Texas. I paused, and told him I would miss him very much. He said "don't worry I'll fly you out there." We hung up, and I played the entire conversation through my head. This time though, I added every little word I wanted to say. "Dad, you never flew me out to see you before when you had money, what would be so different now? Dad, you always make promises you can't keep. What happened to that trip to Europe you were supposed to take me on when I graduated high school? What happened to that car you were going to buy me when I graduated? Dad, why don't you want to be near me? Dad, why can't you just stay somewhere near Georgia, it doesn't even have to be in Georgia, just somewhere closer than freaking Texas? Why are you so happy and ready to be away from me again? Dad, I will never see you except for MAYBE on holidays if you move to Texas. I understood you had to live in Texas before because of the military, but now you have a choice, and once again your being selfish. You want to go and live with your girlfriend, who by the way I can't fucking stand. Thanks, and bye."
That would have crushed him. So I told my husband sorry, told him every little reason I'm mad at my dad right now, and he understood. I don't think I will EVER forgive my dad if he stresses me out to the point of me constantly being mean to my husband and in the end getting a divorce. Yes I feel I can blame that on him. I feel I can blame everything that goes array in my life on him. Right now I feel pissed at the world just because I'm pissed at my father.I have so much anger and hurt inside of me that is just waiting to come out. When it does, I hope the only person that gets hurt by it is my father. Emotionally, not physically. I think he deserves to feel a little bit of what he's done to me.
The other part of me knows that he regrets everything, but it's hard to realize that when he still decides on things that benefit him and only him when he has a fucking family who loves him and wants to be a part of his life. I'm shaking with anger now, so I think I should stop typing. I'm tired of being angry.
At this point, it's getting unfair.
ReplyDeleteI know you're not tired of feeling angry/sad/helpless/anxious/worried, because if you were, that anger you feel for your situation would overpower the fear and vulnerability you feel about contacting a therapist.
If you're comfortable going around in circles and letting someone else dictate how you feel about life as a whole, then stay the way you are. If you're actually tired of being tired, then you know what you need to do. Handling this alone isn't working and treating your husband this way is going to get really old, really quick (and I'm not saying it happens all the time).
My situation is different because I waited years before seeing a therapist and the only person I was deeply hurting was myself. I got fucking sick of it.
I say all this because I know that it may come across as rude or mean, but you'll still take it into consideration before saying I'm wrong (which I'm not, so don't even try it, bitch). Blogging is healthy. Talking about it is healthy. But getting that professional opinion and being taught new and healthy coping mechanisms is vital. No therapist can change your life, but a good one can definitely help you to make it better.