For my 21st birthday my husband and I came to our hometown. I was so excited because my father was going to be there and I had not seen him since he got back from Iraq. My parents were already divorced so I knew that it was going to be VERY awkward with my dad staying in the same house as my mom. My brother and I tried to act like everything was normal, but it was very hard. I was very glad that I wasn't actually staying with my mom. I was staying with my husband's parents.
My mom was being a total bitch to my dad the entire time he was there and not making him feel welcome at all. He was there to help get the house ready to sell even though he had not lived there for at least 4 years. You would think mom would be a little more grateful, but instead she was mad because he would hang out with his kids over her even though they were divorced.
My mom acting like this towards my dad made my dad weak and feel unloved. I'm not saying that his future actions were ok, but I understand why he did what he did.
I was so excited for a huge costume party (my birthday is on Halloween). I was a gypsy, my husband was woody from toy story, my dad was a terrorist, and my brother was a soldier. I was so happy to be partying with my dad and brother. At 12 A.M my brother gathered everybody in the house and everyone sang me happy birthday. Not even 10 minutes after this, my father said he wanted to go to a bar because the crowd at my party was too young for him to be hanging out with. My brother took him there, and my father asked him to pick him up in an hour. My brother got back to the party after dropping him off and informed me he wouldn't be drinking because he had to pick dad up in an hour. I said "ok". People had been shoving "birthday shots" in my face since my dad left, and lets just say I really didn't care what was going on at that point. I was singing and dancing to the music, playing pool with my brother, and just having a care free time. In all honesty it was the best party I've ever been to for my birthday.
An hour rolled by in what felt like 5 minutes, and my brother had to go and pick up my dad. Since I was having such a care free time my husband decided to go with him. Another hour passed and I was starting to get worried so I called my brother and didn't get an answer, then I called my husband and didn't get an answer. Not long after my brother called me back and yelled over loud music that dad wasn't at the place they left him, and my husband had just gotten into a fight at the bar they were at. He told me they were leaving now, and would see me in a few minutes. I quickly ran to the bathroom because i felt the tears building up, and didn't want anyone to see me cry. I went in there shed a tear or two, fixed my makeup, and put on a huge fake drunk smile. As soon as I get upset my drunkenness wears off so I really wasn't feeling it anymore. I got into a circle where people were doing shots together and said "hit me up"! I think I probably did about 3 shots back to back right there and chugged a beer from the keg.
I wanted to forget what I had just heard. Did my father really just disappear in the town where he started using drugs? I made about 5 calls to my dad that night trying to get him to answer his phone. How the fuck could he do this to me especially on my fucking birthday?! I was livid, and so hurt at the same time. I finally drank enough to wear I felt drunk and numb again. I was dancing to the music, kissing girls that I would never dream about kissing, being one of those whores at the parties that you fucking hate because they're so annoying. Yeah that's how I was being. Unfortunately I didn't get drunk enough to forget anything, or even get sick.
That afternoon I woke up, felt fine minus me remembering everything that happened last night, got some lunch, told my hung over husband who was sore from beating somebody's ass that night that I was going over to my moms to see if my dad had shown up that night. I got to my moms and found my mom and Josh sitting in the living room watching tv with looks of death on their faces. I knew at that point that dad wasn't there. I hugged mom and my brother and they both said happy birthday to me. I had made plans to have a family dinner at Red Lobster and it was getting very close to the time I had told mine and my husband's family to start showing up.
Finally about an hour before we had to leave to get to the restaurant my father showed up at the back door. I gave him a very dirty look as he said "hey". As soon as I shot him that dirty look he started crying. I got up and hugged him because I can't stand to see my father cry. Even though he has put me through so much pain, I hate to see him suffer. I asked him where he had been and he said "everywhere". My mom looked him in the eyes and asked "what's going on"? He said "nothing".
I could tell my father hadn't been doing crack. I could tell he had been up all night doing something, but he wasn't paranoid, he wasn't out of it, and he wasn't falling asleep with no warning. At this point I didn't want to know what he had done that night. I didn't care anymore. I just wanted to forget it all ever happened. My dad showered and we all got ready to go to Red Lobster.
I had a good time. I had a couple of drinks, and had some cake. I got happy birthday sung to me and got to open some gifts. I was very happy, and had forgotten what had happened the night before. I don't think it fully hit me how much this hurt til I was back in Arkansas and my husband asked me how I was doing since my dad had done what he did on my birthday. I started crying and told him I wasn't ok and it hurt really badly.
I don't know that I can ever confront my dad about that night. Just because I can't stand to hear the pain in his voice. He knows that he hurt me, and he has apologized, but that doesn't feel like enough. Shouldn't that be enough? I've always been told to forgive and forget but I am having the hardest time with forgetting.
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