My father: Smart, loving, caring, nice, and funny.
Me: Smart, loving, caring, nice, and funny.
My father: has addictive personality, gets attached to quickly, gets angry at stupid things.
Me: has addictive personality, gets attached to quickly, gets angry at stupid things.
It scares the hell out of me how alike I am to my father. He had everything going for him, he went to medical school, he graduated cum lade (I don't know how to spell it, but it means with honors). He had a great job, a great home, and a great life. He tried crack one time and liked it, so he did it again. The only reason he tried crack was because cigarettes and pot didn't give him the feeling he was looking for anymore.
If I drink caffeine 3 days in a row. I'm addicted to it. If I have a cigar every day during the weekend, I'm addicted to them. I even tell my husband to monitor my drinking because I would probably drink every night if I could. There was a point where I was drinking during the week, and smoking cigars every day when I wasn't drinking. I finally was able to get a hold of myself and stop, but it's so scary because I can understand how dad gets addicted to things so quickly, because I can get addicted to things so quickly.
Apparently this addictive personality runs in the family. My dad's dad was addicted to sex, my uncle was addicted to heroine, my dad's grandfather was an alcoholic, my dad's sister is addicted to pills, and I'm sure there are more cases, but I honestly don't know much about my dad's family.
I think that part of the reason my father goes looking for things to make him feel good is because his father wasn't there for him, he watched his step father get murdered right in front of him, he was away from his family for a few years while in medical school so he doesn't feel like he was there for us, and he doesn't know how to cope with all that. When I'm depressed I go looking for things to make me feel better, mostly alcohol and someone to talk to.
When my husband's with me I'm ok, but while he was deployed, I probably spent about $50 a week on alcohol...not a good thing. Oh, and did I mention my dad is a functioning alcoholic? Yeah, this scares me. Scares me so much that I have come to find I stop myself after my 3rd drink unless it's beer. I'm 21...I'm supposed to live a little right? Is it sad that I think like this already? That I can't just let loose? It's a constant battle I have with myself every day, and yes I literally mean every day.
So, this may sound extra super harsh, but I don't give a fuck, because I love the hell out of you and I'm willing to be hated for what I say now, because you're likely going to realize that it's true later.
ReplyDeleteSTOP. THIS. SHIT. Stop it. No, I'm not asking you to stop being depressed. No, I'm not asking you to stop getting these feelings out.
I'm asking you to stop a: comparing yourself to your dad and b: making excuses (sorry, that's what you're doing) for poor choices that you're making.
Yeah, you may be predisposed to having a problem with addiction. Well, fuck, I'm predisposed to being medicated with anti-psychotics because of mental illness like my mom (and other psychos in my family). I refuse to let myself get to that point. How do I avoid it? I don't see a doctor who can prescribe me fucking pills. Fuck YEAH I want to be medicated to make all this pain stop. Fuck yeah I want to wake up every day and have magic in a bottle to keep me grounded and sane. I WANT PILLS. I really do.
But that's not what I'm willing to let myself do, because it's a never-ending black hole. You don't have to drink, and you know that, which is why you ask your husband to keep a watch on you. That's good for the short term, but you have to make some changes, even if it comes down to not drinking at all. You have to be able to make the conscious decision for yourself, and I KNOW you can do that, because you're not a weak-minded person, no matter how much you're trying to convince yourself that you are.
It is my WORSE FEAR to hear anyone tell me I'm like my mom, because she is everything I don't want to be. I actually think you have a leg up on me because you can look at the similarities between you and your dad, and through that, you know the necessary changes you need to make. But, I also think that, when you look at how you're both alike, you're allowing yourself to slip deeper into the shit that he's put onto you.
You and I are different than most people with problems. We didn't have control over what happened. We didn't get knocked up at a young age, or start doing drugs, or become so violent that we ended up in jail. All of our problems were handed to us and our lives were partially ruined by other people. That's hard to work through, huh?
I am scared shitless of going back to therapy next week. I'm scared of what she's going to ask, scared of what she's going to say... Everything. But, I'm also excited, because for the first time EVER, I feel hopeful that I can come out of this.
You need to stop telling yourself that you "need to see a therapist". Fucking do it. That's what I did. I did the search on my own and called and made the appointment. If you need help, then you know I'll help. Just do it. At least LOOK for a therapist this week. You don't have to call. Just start the search for one.
I love you and I want BOTH OF US to get better. If we stay this way, we're not going to be happy and we won't have productive lives, no matter what. Doesn't matter what career we choose, how many kids we have, or anything. We will NEVER be really happy until we work through all of these problems. And it's going to be hard.
I need another one on one conversation with you dude. I need a pushy person up in my face to give me the motivation to go and see a therapist.
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