I knew this would happen. My dad's been in my home town for about a week and some change. We actually had a great weekend together, we hung out every day this past weekend. Saturday I was kind of worried about him because he didn't call me when he was supposed to, and had me, Grandma, and his friends worrying about him but he finally called me and we hung out. Saturday night he spent the night over at my father in law's house with me and my husband. Sunday we went and ate with Grandma then went to the mall, then went to look at puppies at a friends house. We ate dinner and he left shortly after I left to go back to where I live now.
He was supposed to go straight to his friend's house and spend the night. I just got a call from her and she said he never showed up. I'm not saying that I didn't expect this to happen cause hell, it basically happened 7 months ago on my birthday. I just can't help but think the worst like he relapsed and is in a ditch dead somewhere because of an overdose.
I'm really surprised because I've only shed one single tear since I started writing this and that was only because my husband interrupted me and asked "Does your dad not think of anyone but himself?".
I started to cry and one single tear came down. Then I thought about it and stated "In my home town my dad is not in the right frame of mind. He now thinks of mom everywhere he goes in that town and gets depressed. Dad thinks of how he's screwed up so much in the past and is reminded of everyone he hurt. He gets into that slump and yes, get's very selfish."
Maybe I'm just tired of crying, I had a great coffee date with my two good friends Saturday and shed many tears talking about all of this stuff. I also had a good hour cry yesterday when I told my mother in law how much I appreciated the way they accepted my father and my family. I told them I was eternally grateful for everything they've done for me and him.
Never mind, tears are welling up as I type. I'm very hurt right now this blog entry has helped me a little bit, but if it seems out of order and doesn't make sense it's probably because I'm tired of being hurt and am hurting so much I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I kind of wish dad was in Texas still. By coming here he's fucked up my life. I was beginning to feel happy in the place I live. Now I get calls from people wondering if I've heard from him because he was supposed to be with them. When he was in Texas I was able to get into contact with him every day, and he wasn't my problem. Now he's a huge problem.
I really wish I could just say fuck him, he's not worth the time of day. I wish it was that easy, but it's not. I wish I was a t total bitch and didn't care about anyone. I wish I had the coldest heart of anyone in the entire world. I wish I could never get hurt by anyone. I wish my heart was in a steel box with no key instead of out in the open there for everyone to rip, stomp on, or crush over and over again. I hate this shit. I hate being able to feel.
I am so emotionally vulnerable right now. Holy shit, I am such a little bitch.
ReplyDeleteLet me just tell you that emotionally hardening yourself (even if you possessed the ability to do it) isn't the way to go. Been there... Still there. You saw how emotional I got when I verbalized the intense hate I feel for my mom. That is why I hate going there. It physically pains me (my chest hurts) when I let myself feel those emotions, but I'm chipping away and wading through all that horrible shit.
I'll be honest. I don't feel very sorry for your dad, but then again, I'm just now learning and trying to think with my heart, so forgive the cold-hearted bitch coming out. I am 100% angry with him.
I know you have the ability to separate the addict from the daddy, but I don't. I can't separate the psycho from my mom, because they are one in the same. I'm happy you have that, because you can still cling to the happiness you've had with him. Keep the Real Daddy in the forefront of your mind, because the addict will ruin your life.
No advice here, because I'm in the midst of my own personal shit. I can't even tell you that it'll get better. But don't harden yourself, even though I'm sure you couldn't if you tried. Stay with every emotion you feel and experience them. If you need to scream, scream. If you need to cry, then please cry. I know I've said that a million times, but staying with every emotion, whether positive or negative, so vital to healing and surviving a rough patch (understatement of the century). I'm learning to take my own advice.
Oh, and um... You know... GET YOUR ASS IN FUCKING THERAPY.
Also, I love you in a completely different way than I ever have for the duration of our entire friendship. I love you so deeply and I hurt for you, too. We wounded souls need to stick together. :)
Ugh dude. I'm so tired of crying and feeling like I've been hit by a fucking semi. I truly wish I could be a hard ass but I will never be able to.
ReplyDeleteI will never forget the Real Daddy, but I've got to say that there are so many more bad memories than good ones right now.
Oh and btw you and the hubs should get together, have coffee, and have a bash my dad day. He's so pissed at him and doesn't feel sorry for him either. You're so right about him being the male virgin of you. You and hubs have every right to be mad at my dad. Today I just cried while hubs hugged me. He said "I'm so tired of you getting hurt. I wish your dad would get hit by a truck so he could feel an ounce of pain that he has caused you." Of course that made me freakin cry frantically... I'm ganna stop there because that's my blog for tomorrow and i don't feel like crying anymore tonight.
I love you too girl and I feel the exact same way. I feel closer to you than ever before and I will always be here for you no matter what just as you will be there for me.
..."male VIRGIN"... LMFAO.
ReplyDeleteFreudian slip.
HAHAHA I was looking at your name and totally typed it on accident. OOPS! It was also late last night... That is my excuse and I am sticking to it.
ReplyDelete